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CLEARING THE PATH TO LOVING RELATIONSHIPS

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LISAC: 'Codependence is learned patterns of unhealthy and dysfunctional thoughts, ... some emotional release work (yell in a pillow, punch a punching bag, take a fast ... – PowerPoint PPT presentation

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Title: CLEARING THE PATH TO LOVING RELATIONSHIPS


1
CLEARING THE PATH TO LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
  • Presented By
  • Ken Richardson, BSW, LISAC
  • and
  • Mary L. Richardson, M.Phil., LISAC
  • Sponsored By
  • The Las Vegas Recovery Center

2
TRANSACTUAL ANALYSIS EGO STATES WITH ADDITION OF
HIGHER SELF
LOVING HIGHER SELF
LOVING ADULT
LOVING PARENT
LOVING CHILD
3
HS
HS
A
A
P
C
FEELINGS CREATIVITY, SPONTANITY, PLAY, FUN,
LAUGHTER, HOPES, DREAMS, MEMORIES, OUR SPIRIT
ACTIONS BOUNDARIES, PROTECTOR, LOVING SELF
DISCIPLINE, SELF CARE, EQUALITY
LOVING PARENT
LOVING CHILD
4
HS
A
P
P
C
C
THOUGHTS INFORMATION, LOVING THOUGHTS, CONCEPTS, I
DEAS, LOGIC, EGO, DATA IN/OUT
SOUL INSPIRATION, INSIGHT, INTUITION, INSTINCT, SE
NSING
LOVING HIGHER SELF
LOVING ADULT
5
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
LOVING HIGHER SELF
LOVING HIGHER SELF
LOVING ADULT
LOVING ADULT
LOVING PARENT
LOVING PARENT
LOVING CHILD
LOVING CHILD
6
DEFINITION OF CODEPENDENCE
  • Kenneth T. Richardson, BSW, LISAC and Mary
    L. Richardson, M.Phil., LISAC Codependence is
    learned patterns of unhealthy and dysfunctional
    thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors which adversely
    affect an individuals relationship with
    themselves and others. It is cyclic and
    progressively results in mild to chronically
    severe consequences. Codependence is primarily
    learned in childhood through experiences of
    abuse, abandonment, neglect or enmeshment and/or
    a significant traumatic event. Codependent
    thoughts and beliefs generally manifest in
    moderate to extreme passive and/or aggressive
    behaviors, which may include avoidant, enmeshing
    and/or controlling behaviors. Codependence often
    develops into and is masked by addictions and
    other compulsive behaviors and is generally seen
    as the underlying cause of addiction relapse.
    Codependence is treatable and generally results
    in an individuals progressively healthy and
    loving relationship with themselves and others.

7
SYMPTOMS AND CHARACTERISTICS
  • Feeling embarrassment over another persons
    behaviors.
  • Making attempts to control another persons
    behaviors.
  • Manipulating others
  • Making excuses to family, friends, etc., for
    anothers behaviors.
  • Acceptance/provocation of violence, humiliations
    from/with others.
  • Obsession with anothers behaviors.
  • Dysfunctional and/or failed relationships.
  • Nagging, critical comments.
  • Using sex, money and/or power to control or
    manipulate others.
  • Using sex, money and/or power to gain approval
    from others.
  • Basing my worth, value, identity, sense of self,
    happiness, safety or well-being on another
    person.
  • Basing my worth, value, identity, sense of self,
    happiness, safety or well-being on what I do.

8
SYMPTOMS AND CHARACTERISTICS Cont
  • Avoidant Behaviors.
  • Neediness.
  • Enabling.
  • Neglect of self, children, friends, etc.
  • Unrealistic Expectations of self and others.
  • Feeling less important than others.
  • Grandiosity and Arrogance.
  • Difficulty identifying feelings.
  • Trusting No One.
  • Trusting Everyone.
  • Isolation.
  • Threats of separation or divorce.
  • Need for approval and/or recognition.
  • Rigidity

9
TOXIC FEAR AND TOXIC SHAME THE EMOTIONAL CORE OF
CODEPENDENCE
  • Toxic fear and toxic shame usually develop
    progressively in the family members of addicted
    family systems, family members where there is
    periodic or consistent abuse, abandonment,
    neglect and/or enmeshment taking place or in a
    person who has experienced a significant
    traumatic event. Through these experiences,
    individuals begin to develop distorted internal
    protection mechanisms to predominantly feel safe,
    even when actual threats are not present. Toxic
    fear and toxic shame keep a person emotionally
    stunted and guarded internally and often
    externally as well. As codependence is, at its
    core, an addiction to fear, the symptoms of toxic
    fear and toxic shame are identical to the
    symptoms of codependence.

10
TOXIC FEAR AND TOXIC SHAME THE EMOTIONAL CORE OF
CODEPENDENCE (cont)
  • Toxic Fear and Toxic Shame symptoms include, but
    are not limited to
  • Feeling Small
  • Feeling Sorry for Self
  • Avoiding
  • Blaming Self and/or Others
  • One Up Thoughts and Behaviors
  • One Down Thoughts and Behaviors
  • Judgments of Self and/or Others
  • Reactionary Thoughts and Feelings
  • Victim Attitudes and/or Behaviors
  • Arrogant Attitudes and/or Behaviors
  • Not Feeling the Same on the Inside as Presented
    on the Outside
  • Controlling of Myself and/or Others
  • Giving Power to Others
  • Rigidness
  • Neediness
  • Low Self Esteem
  • Making Excuses for, Minimizing or Feeling
    Embarrassed about My and/or Others Behaviors

11
CODEPENDENT ADAPTATION
LOVING HIGHER SELF
DIMINISHING HEART
LOVING ADULT
FEARFUL THINKING
OVER INDULGENT OR CRITICAL PARENT
LOVING PARENT
LOVING CHILD
ADAPTIVE CHILD
12
HS
DH
HS
DH
A
FT
A
FT
P
CP
P
CP
C
AC
C
AC
FEAR BASED ADAPTATIONS ADAPTS PASSIVE AND/OR
AGGRESSIVE ROLES IN RESPONSE TO ENVIRONMENT,
MINIMIZES OR DEMANDS THAT THEIR FEELINGS ARE
HEARD
FEAR BASED PARENT PASSIVE AND/OR AGGRESSIVE SELF
PARENTING THAT OVER CONTROLS, NEGLECTS OR
ABANDONS THE CHILD SELF
OVER INDULGENT OR CRITICAL PARENT
ADAPTIVE CHILD
13
HS
DH
HS
DH
A
FT
A
FT
P
CP
P
CP
C
AC
C
AC
FEAR BASED THOUGHTS SELF JUDGING AND/OR OVER
LOOKING THE NEEDS OF THE SELF
MINIMIZED HEART FEAR OVERRIDES OUR HEART FELT
TRUTH
DIMINISHING HEART
FEARFUL THINKING
14
CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS
DIMINISHING HEART
DIMINISHING HEART
SOUL THOUGHTS ACTIONS FEELINGS
FEARFUL THINKING
FEARFUL THINKING
OVER INDULGENT OR CRITICAL PARENT
OVER INDULGENT OR CRITICAL PARENT
ADAPTIVE CHILD
ADAPTIVE CHILD
15
SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP
  • CYCLIC PATTERNS OF DISAGREEMENTS, ARGUMENTS AND
    FIGHTS
  • ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR THE OTHER BUT NOT
    RECIPRACATED
  • ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR THE OTHER TO THE
    ABANDONMENT OF YOUR OWN NEEDS OR TRUTH
  • POWER STRUGGLES
  • VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE AND VIOLENCE
  • ONE OR BOTH IN ACTIVE ADDICTIONS
  • ENMESHED WITH ONE ANOTHER TO THE EXCLUSION OF
    OTHERS INCLUDING CHILDREN, FAMILY, FRIENDS, ETC.

16
SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP Cont
  • ENMESHED WITH ONE OR BOTH FAMILIES OF ORIGIN
  • LACK OF EMOTIONAL, SEXUAL, INTELLECTUAL, PHYSICAL
    OR SPIRITUAL INTIMACY
  • LACK OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
  • AVOIDANCE OF ONE ANOTHER IN THE RELATIONSHIP
  • OVER IDENTIFICATION WITH GENDER ROLES
  • CONSISTENT SOCIAL, RECREATIONAL, ATHLETHIC,
    CAREER AND/OR RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES AS AVOIDANCE
    OF, OR SUBSTITUTE FOR, INTIMACY IN THE
    RELATIONSHIP

17
SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP Cont
  • USING CHILDREN IN THE AVOIDANCE OF INTIMACY IN
    THE RELATIONSHIP
  • LIVING AS DISTANT ROOMMATES
  • AVOIDANCE, OVERCONTROLLING OR COMPLIANCE SEXUALLY
  • USING CHILDREN, LIFESTYLE OR SENSE OF SECURITY AS
    REASONS TO STAY IN A FAILED RELATIONSHIP
  • LACK OF FORGIVENESS AND CYCLIC PUNISHMENT FOR
    PAST MISTAKES

18
SELF AUTHENTICITY
  • LOVE
  • A FEELING OF WARM PERSONAL ATTACHMENT OR DEEP
    AFFECTION. A CONSCIOUSNESS IN CONTRAST TO FEAR
    CONSCIOUSNESS.
  • SELF-ESTEEM
  • SELF RESPECT AND CONFIDENCE IN YOUR OWN MERIT AS
    AN INDIVIDUAL PERSON.
  • EMPOWERMENT
  • THE STATE OF BEING CONFIDENT AND ASSERTIVE.
  • AUTHENTICITY
  • THE GENUINENESS OR TRUTH OF SOMEONE.
  • INTIMACY
  • THE OPEN, VULNERABLE, EMPOWERED, AUTHENTIC,
    CONFIDANT SHARING OF OUR SELVES, OUR TRUTH AND
    OUR LOVE.

19
SEVEN PRIMARY FEELINGS
  • PAIN
  • GUILT
  • SHAME
  • ANGER
  • FEAR
  • LONELY
  • JOY

20
FEELINGS COMMUNICATION GUIDE page 1 of 4
  • Couples Meetings
  • Couples meetings are done on a daily
    basis. They are designed to create a safe
    intimate setting for each person to share their
    feelings.
  • This is a time where each person has an
    opportunity to share their feelings about
    themselves, each other, others or life
    experiences.
  • Feelings are shared using the Sharing
    Feelings outline above. One way to begin is by
    taking the feeling list and sharing one item
    about each feeling. After a weeks experiences of
    Couples Meetings, then the Couples Meeting can be
    altered in what ever way feels appropriate.
  • Couples Meetings usually last 30-40
    minutes maximum with each person sharing half of
    the time.
  • There is no feedback during the Couples
    Meetings. Each person will take turns sharing
    their feelings while the other practices
    listening and then switch. If an issue arises
    from the Couples Meeting, then a separate time is
    set to process the issue.
  • Couples Meetings are not a place for
    dumping, shaming or taking advantage of the no
    feedback guideline by using sideways rage or
    anger or manipulation. As said before, they are
    designed to create a safe intimate setting for
    each person to share their feelings, which will
    then lead to a greater sense of intimacy between
    the couple.

21
FEELINGS COMMUNICATION GUIDE page 2 of 4
  • The Seven Primary Feelings Are
  • Fear Joy
  • Anger Pain
  • Shame Guilt
  • Lonely
  • You can mix any of these feelings together to
    come up with other feelings, much like mixing any
    of the
  • primary colors together to come up with other
    colors. For example, frustration is fear and
    anger mixed
  • together and rage is fear, shame and pain mixed
    together.
  • Sharing Feelings
  • When you said , I felt
    . or-
  • This is what I heard you say and I felt
    _________when I heard that. Did I hear you
    correctly? -or-
  • When you did_____________I felt _________and I
    what I am needing in response to that is
    ___________.
  • The main point is to share your feelings in "I"
    statement and to remember when describing the
    statement or behavior that it is done without
    judgment, criticism or shame.

22
FEELINGS COMMUNICATION GUIDE page 3 of 4
  • Family Meetings
  • Family Meetings guidelines are the same as
    the Couple Meetings shown above, with the
    exception that
  • Family Meetings are held once a week at a regular
    specified time.
  • Each person shares a maximum of 15 minutes each.
  • Each family member rotates a turn at calling the
    meeting together.
  • Each family member is expected to share.
    In the beginning, it is helpful to use the
    Sharing Feelings outline. Each family member
    can take each feeling and share an experience of
    that feeling that they had during the previous
    week. And each family member can share more than
    one experience about a particular feeling.
  • Remember, Family Meetings are designed to
    create a safe place for each family member to
    share feelings. There is no feedback. And what is
    shared during a family meeting cannot be used
    against the person who shared after the meeting.
    If an issue arises from the Family Meeting, a
    separate time is set to address the issue.

23
FEELINGS COMMUNICATION GUIDE page 4 of 4
  • Guide for Emotional Intensity
  • If an issue arises after you have shared your
    feelings about a statement or behavior and/or
    shared your
  • specific need then follow the following
    guideline
  • Restate need for clarification.
  • If an argument begins to escalate into an
    intensity of a level three or four on a
    ten-point scale
  • 1. Tell the other person that you will
    need to take a time out and state specifically
    when you
  • will return to continue the
    discussion.
  • 2. Both individuals then take physical
    space from each other.
  • 3. During the time out, it is helpful to
    use one or more of the following tools
  • a. Journal about the issue and examine
    the reasons you became triggered. This can
  • possibly be family-of-origin issues,
    mirroring of your unresolved issues by the other
  • person, or feelings you have carried
    from an incident earlier in the day that was
    being
  • projected onto the other person.
  • b. Call a friend or sponsor (if in a 12
    Step Program) to process this information.
  • c. Do some emotional release work (yell
    in a pillow, punch a punching bag, take a fast
  • walk, and let yourself cry).
  • d. Look to see if you were appropriate,
    need to share any amends or need to set
  • limitations and boundaries with the
    other person.

24
TOOLS FOR PROGRESSIVE LOVE, EMPOWERMENT AND
AUTHENTICITY
  • 12 Step Programs
  • Sponsors
  • Daily Readings
  • Prayer
  • Meditation
  • Feelings Journaling
  • Emotional Release Work to move the emotional
    energy out of your body
  • Feelings Meetings
  • Healthy Communication
  • Listening Skills
  • Assertiveness Training
  • Fear and Shame message lists
  • Affirmational responses Gods highest Truth in
    response to each fear and shame message
  • Daily Affirmations reading and/or audio recordings
  • Dialogue with the Child Self
  • Left Hand/Right Hand Journaling with Child Self
  • Examine what your individual boundaries look like
    in the five areas of Emotional, Physical,
    Sexual, Intellectual and Spiritual
  • Defining Personal negotiable and non-negotiable
    desires and expectations in the five areas of
    Emotional, Physical, Sexual, Intellectual and
    Spiritual
  • Therapy, Education and/or Workshops
  • Genograms
  • Time Line of significant events
  • Autobiography of Family-of-Origin experiences
    focusing on Abuse, Abandonment, Neglect and
    Enmeshment
  • Identify child and adult roles and rules
  • Journaling about childhood and adult experiences
    and the feelings about those experiences

25
CONTINUING PROGRESSIVE CODEPENDENCE RECOVERY
  • Self exploration to determine patterns,
    characteristics and symptoms.
  • Self honesty.
  • A sincere desire to change.
  • Development of healthy and loving thoughts,
    behaviors, skills and tools through Co-Dependents
    Anonymous, Self Help Education and Counseling.
  • Developing a loving relationship with a Higher
    Power.
  • Developing a loving relationship with Self.
  • A conscious and progressive shift from fear to
    love.

26
8 STEPS TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
  • KNOW YOUR HISTORY AND KEEP IT SEPARATE FROM THE
    RELATIONSHIP - MOVING FROM FANTASY TO REALITY.
  • ESTABLISH AND MAINTAIN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
  • IDENTIFY AND EXPRESS YOUR NEGOTIABLE AND
    NON-NEGOTIABLE DESIRES.
  • KNOW AND BE HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS.
  • PRACTICE AND EXPAND COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
  • QUESTION AND CLARIFY ALL ASSUMPTIONS AND
    SUPPOSITIONS.
  • STRIVE TO MAINTAIN GREATER LEVELS OF INTIMACY AND
    SPIRITUALITY.
  • SEEK SUPPORT TO GROW YOUR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH
    OUTSIDE SUPPORT SYSTEMS, 12 STEP PROGRAMS AND
    COUNSELING, IF NECESSARY.
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