ASSERTIVENESS Facilitator: Nikola Horley Counselling Service, Student Services

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ASSERTIVENESSFacilitator Nikola
HorleyCounselling Service, Student Services
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Assertiveness is About

• Taking responsibility for yourself
• Deciding what you want out of a situation
• Listening to others and understanding their
  feelings, wants, and positions
• Finding mutually acceptable solutions

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The Idea Is

• You can learn a set of skills and techniques
• that help you to act over feelings
• so that you can express your point effectively
• without being overcome by your emotions

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Assertiveness Skills are Useful!

• For Example when
• Dealing with conflict
• Negotiation
• Leadership and Motivation
• Giving and receiving feedback
• Co-operation and Compromise
• Being heard

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• STARTING FROM A STRONG PLACE

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• Whilst it is good to get Feedback from others
• Its useful to Develop a Clear Idea of
• our Own Opinions Of our work or Ourselves

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From a Strong Place Exercise

• With a partner,
• take it in turns to
• mention your strengths and skills.
• Say sentences beginning Im very good at.
• Consciously make eye contact
• Keep your words slow
• Keep your breath steady
• Dont worry if there are pauses

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• How did it feel to say out loud what your
  strengths and skills are?

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It can be useful to remind yourself of your
strengths

• When someones having a go at me I remind myself
  of my strengths and I remember that Im not
  a fool.
• I was dealing with a man who was very clever and
  forceful. I was beginning to feel very
  insubstantial and silly. I reminded myself of
  my strengths and suddenly I had both feet
  firmly on the ground again and could look him
  firmly in the eyes.

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• STARTING FROM A FAIR PLACE

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Starting from a Fair Place

• As a group, together, lets
• Evolve a Bill of Rights
• specify the rights of both parties
• in a situation.
• E.g. The right to be treated with respect

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A Bill of RightsSome Examples

• The right to have and express an opinion
• The right to be listened to and respected
• The right to set your own priorities
• The right to say no without feeling guilty
• The right to ask for what you want
• The right to ask for information
• The right to make mistakes
• The right to choose not to assert yourself

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TYPES OF COMMUNICATION

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The Basic Stances

• Aggressive Behaviour
• Non-Assertive or Passive Behaviour
• Assertive Behaviour

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Aggressive Behaviour
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Aggressive Behaviour

• Frightening, threatening, loud
• Willing to achieve goals at the expense of others
• Out to win
• Defensive, belligerent
• Explosive, unpredictable

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AGGRESSIVENESS

• The main advantage of being aggressive is that
  you achieve your short term goals, win, or feel
  one up from others
• The main disadvantage is that people end up
  resisting or resenting you. You end up feeling
  frustrated and alone.

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People on the receiving end of aggressive
behaviour feel

• Defensive, aggressive
• Hurt
• Resentful
• Afraid

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Non-Assertive or Passive
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Non-Assertive or Passive

• Opting Out
• Avoiding Confrontation
• Difficulty taking responsibility or making
  decisions
• Feeling like a victim
• Blaming others for events
• Being apologetic and refusing compliments

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PASSIVITY

• The major advantage of being passive is that you
  dont have to take responsibility for your
  feelings and needs
• The major disadvantages are loss of independence,
  taking on too much, frustration and anger because
  of stifled needs and feelings.

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People dealing with someone being passive can
feel

• Exasperated
• Guilty
• Resentful
• Frustrated
• Exhausted
• Confused

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Assertive Behaviour
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Assertive Behaviour

• Achieving goals without damaging others
• Protective of own rights and respectful of others
  rights
• Feeling good about oneself, having an appropriate
  level of confidence
• Being socially and emotionally expressive
• Making own choices and taking responsibility for
  them
• Asking directly for your needs to be met, while
  accepting the risk of rejection

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People dealing with assertive behaviour may feel

• If confident in themselves
• Trust
• Respect
• Confidence
• Pleasure in relating to them
• If feeling low in confidence themselves
• Weak, envious, threatened.

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• Generally, people dealing with an assertive
  person know that they can take that person at
  their word, that they are acting and speaking
  sincerely and in good faith, that they can cope
  with justified criticism, accept compliments, and
  will essentially look after themselves.

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STYLES OF RELATINGSummary

• Passive
• STIFLED NEEDS, FEELINGS
• VAGUE
• PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
• I dont mind
• RESENTFUL

AGGRESSIVE STATE FEELINGS WISHES, BUT AT
EXPENSE OF OTHERS You ALWAYS. You NEVER..
ASSERTIVE DIRECT STATEMENTS ABOUT FEELINGS TAKING
INTO ACCOUNT OTHERS NEEDS, WISHES
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EXAMPLES
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Example

• Your boss has just put out the new roster. You
  have several difficult, late shifts in a row
  whereas some workers have none of these.

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• Aggressive Response Flatly refuse to do the
  shift, rudely demand a change.
• Passive Response Do the shifts, complain to
  others, feel resentful, angry at self, do a
  shoddy job to get back at boss.
• Assertive Response Approach boss, explain
  position, say that you feel it is unfair, ask for
  the roster to be changed.

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Recognizing Assertive, Passive, and Aggressive
BehaviourSome Examples

• A colleague interrupts you when you are making a
  call to a customer, you say
• Id like to finish this phone call, then Ill be
  with you

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• A colleague in another department has volunteered
  your services without consulting you. You say
• What a nerve! Why didnt they ask me first?
  Theres no way I can help out. Im up to my eyes
  as it is. Youll have to manage on your own

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• Your boss has sent a memo saying that no more
  business visits are to be made without her prior
  agreement. You are unhappy with this and say
• Jane, Im unhappy with the new arrangement. The
  way I see it, it takes away my professional
  judgment. Id like to discuss it with you.

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• A colleague agreed to come to a special meeting
  but then failed to turn up. You ring him and
  say
• Well, I suppose it didnt matter that you werent
  there. We managed alright without you in the end.

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• A salesperson has been pushing hard for you to
  buy a piece of equipment. You are not too sure
  besides, you had thought of looking at several
  makes before making a decision. You say
• Well, I guess its more or less what Im looking
  for. I was going to look at other makes but
  perhaps this will be okay.

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• Your boss is about to leave the office for an
  important meeting. You need to ask him if you
  may work at home tomorrow. You say
• I know youre in a rush John, but Id like to
  make a quick request of you.

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• Your secretary is arranging your diary for the
  day. She asks you what time you will be back in
  the office. You say
• When you see me walk through that door

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• You have just written a difficult letter and
  would like some feedback from a colleague. You
  say
• Id like to hear your views on this letter Ive
  written.

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• One of your colleagues (you dont know which one)
  forgot to pass on an important message to you.
  You take this up with your boss. You say
• This department is completely hopeless. They
  cant even write down a simple message. What are
  you going to do about it?

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Aggressive/Passive/Assertive?

• The date is being set for the next team meeting.
  You are keen to attend but the proposed date
  clashes with another appointment. You say
• Well, all right, it seems to be convenient for
  everyone else.

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• Example You are waiting in line to be served,
  but the Assistant is on the phone to her
  boyfriend and is ignoring everyone
• In groups, think of
• An Aggressive Response
• A Passive Response
• An Assertive Response

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• I STATEMENTS

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I Statements

• An assertive statement has three parts
• Your perspective of the situation
• Your feelings about the situation
• Your wants regarding the situation

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• I think Your perspective
• I feel. Your feelings
• I want.. What youd like

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Examples

• Think of situations where you would have liked to
  have been more assertive.
• Choose any instances where you thought I wish I
  had handled that differently.
• Make something up if you cant think of many, or
  use the shop assistant example from earlier.
• For each situation, work out an assertive
  response using I statements.

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I statements

• I think Your perspective
• I feel. Your feelings
• I want.. What youd like

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OTHER USEFUL TECHNIQUES

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Eliminate Padding

• When you try to express something delicate,
  difficult, or tense, you may find yourself
  padding it out.
• Im really sorry to bother you
• Youll probably think Im over-reacting
• I know youll be awfully disappointed, but
• This padding takes a lot of power and impact away
  from the core phrase by distracting attention
  from it.

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Work out your Fall Back Position

• Your fall back position defines how far you are
  prepared to compromise towards a workable
  solution.
• This helps you to avoid being pushed further than
  you want to be in your negotiation

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Avoid Hooks

• Dont get pulled into irrelevant or unproductive
  arguments while you are making your point.
• Common hooks include others being
• Argumentative (so that you lose your temper)
• Manipulative (guilt inducing e.g. If you dont do
  it I dont know who will)
• Apparent Logic (e.g. nobody else has ever wanted
  to do that)

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Show You are Listening

• Confirm that you hear and understand what the
  other person is saying
• Repeat your I Statement

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Remember Your Body and Your Voice

• Around 70 of communication is done non-verbally
• The effectiveness of what we say is very strongly
  influenced by how we say it.
• The quality of our voice and our body language
  either reinforce or undermine our words

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Examples Include

• The speed, pitch tone of our voice
• Gestures
• Posture
• Facial Expression

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• Criticism

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• Criticize the Behaviour, Not the Person

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Handling Criticism of Yourself

• Criticism can hurt because it can be seen as
  rejection
• Some criticism is Constructive
• Some is not.

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Acknowledgement of Criticism

• Sometimes a criticism is not constructive or
  helpful, but is true. Try agreeing with the
  person.
• Youre right, I do misspell a lot of words
• Yes, I do tend to be a bit messy
• Dont fall into the trap of giving excuses or
  apologising for behaviour

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Clouding

• Defuse the situation by Fogging
• Dont argue with the criticism, as this would
  heat up the situation
• Clouding
• Agree in Part
• Agree in Probability
• Agree in Principle
• Probing

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Clouding by Agreeing in Part

• Good for responding to non- constructive or
  manipulative criticism
• You find something in the comment to agree with
• Critic Youre always working. You think the
  world would fall apart if you took a day off
• You Yes, I do work a lot

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Clouding by Agreeing in Probability

• You can agree in probability when theres some
  chance that the critic is right
• It may be so that.
• You could be right

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Clouding by Agreeing in Principle

• You can agree with the logic of your critic,
  without agreeing with their premise.
• Critic If you dont study more than you do,
  youre going to fail
• You Youre right, if I dont study, I will fail
  my classes

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Probing

• Useful when you cant tell if criticism is
  constructive or manipulative, when you dont
  understand, or you think youre not getting the
  whole story
• What is it about my work that bothers you?

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Stress Management

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Stress Management in High Tension Environments

• To get you in the mindset - Examples
• During a negotiation where the outcome is
  extremely important
• Being dismissed or dismissing someone else
• Confronting sexism or racism
• Dealing with severe critical feedback

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What To Do In A Crisis

• Slow Your Breathing
• Anchor Yourself in the Present
• Open Up
• Pursue Your Values

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Slow Your Breathing

• Take a few deep breaths
• Mindfully notice as you breathe in and out

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Anchor Yourself In the Present

• Be Present in the Moment
• Notice 5 things you can See
• Notice 5 things you can Hear
• Notice 5 things your body is in contact with
• Notice what you are Thinking
• Notice what you are Feeling

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Open Up

• Open Up Around Your Feelings - Breathe into them
  and Make room for them
• Open up to Your Thoughts Take a Step Back and
  Give Them Some Room to Move, without holding onto
  them or pushing them away
• Expand around your Feelings and Thoughts

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Pursue Your Values

• Now that you are in a mental state of
  Mindfulness
• Respond to the Crisis by connecting with your
  Values. Ask yourself
• What do I want to be about
• What do I want to stand for
• How would I like to act, so that I can look back
  and feel proud of myself

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Summary What To Do In A Crisis

• Slow Your Breathing
• Anchor Yourself in the Present
• Open Up
• Pursue Your Values

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Mindfulness Exercise

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Disarming Anger

• Change of Venue change location or go for a
  walk together
• Active Listening and Empathy
• Say tell me exactly what is wrong,
• Listen actively with lots of eye contact, nods,
  and yesses, but do not interrupt or argue.
  Keep your own breathing steady
• Show you want a Win-Win Solution
• Workable for both of you

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The Aftermath of a Crisis

• After a particularly stressful scene, remember
  the importance of self affirmation, remember your
  strengths
• and look for support from someone you are close
  to.
• Seek Support Look After Yourself

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• SAYING NO

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• Keep clearly in your mind
• You are refusing the request, not rejecting the
  person
• You dont need to apologize unless you want to
• You dont need to explain why unless you want to
  or unless its professionally necessary

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Exercise

• Find a partner and take it in turns to
• Repeatedly request things of the other person
• Repeat the word no in response

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• People worry that saying no clearly will offend
  the person. However, its much easier to know
  where you stand if someone says a clear no to
  you.
• If you say a messy fudged no, on reflection
  people may not be too sure if you meant it.

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Saying No Assertively

• First try your assertive response
• For example
• I understand that you need someone to do the
  extra shift. However, I am under pressure with
  assignments and exams, I feel absolutely swamped,
  and unfortunately I cant do the extra shift.

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• Think of how much clearer the assertive response
  is to hear than a more messy no, for example
• Oh, Im sorry, Im a bit busy, things are
  hopeless at uni, Id never manage it, Im so
  pushed for time. Im really sorry, how are you
  going to manage without me?

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Broken Record Technique

• When the other person is having difficulty
  getting your message

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• Clarify in your mind exactly what you do or dont
  want.
• Formulate a short, specific statement. One
  sentence.
• Dont offer excuses or explanations
• Look the person in the eye, stand up straight
• Calmly and firmly repeat your statement as many
  times as necessary.

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Momentary Delay and Time Out

• You dont need to respond to a request
  immediately. You may end up agreeing to something
  you regret. Delaying can help you become aware of
  what you really want
• Ok, lets slow down, this is too important to
  race through
• Thats interesting, Let me think about it
• There may be something to your
  request/commentlet me think about it for a
  little bit
• Leave it with me and I will let you know
  tomorrow
• Ill have to sleep on it

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• LIMITATIONS

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• There are times when we are not always quick
  enough to give an assertive response
• or to avoid hooks.
• Everyone has their off days and
• some situations are too complex to understand
  except in retrospect

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Counselling Service

• Do you feel you could benefit from further
  help/assistance/support/advice?
• If so, the Counselling Service can help
• 6488 2423

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CONCLUSION

• The habits of mind, the growth in positive
  attitude, the clear speaking, and self-respect
  which assertiveness promotes can be a very
  positive influence in our lives

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References

• OBrien, P. (1997). Assertiveness A Working
  Guide. Nicholas Brealey Publishing, London
• Harris, R. (2007). The Happiness Trap. Exisle
  Publishing Ltd, Wollombi

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