Pre-Re-Marriage Workshop for Couples Entering into Blended Families

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Pre-Re-Marriage Workshop for Couples Entering
into Blended Families

• LIVING IN STEP
• And
• Reaching for the Top
• How and Why we do Our work together

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Purpose of Doing this Work Together

• Awareness
• Understanding
• Support and Validation
• Strategies and Skills
• Implement a Plan that will take you forward
• ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE
• CREATED

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How We Use our Day Together

• Explore some of the Common Issues and Dynamics as
  a Preparation for your Blended Family
• Look at the Priority Issues and Areas youve
  identified and Choose appropriate Approaches

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ISSUES AND DYNAMICS Areas for Discussion

• So, Whats the Problem?
• Dynamics
• Myths
• Unrealistic Expectations
• Differences
• Dragons
• No Model of the Family
• Conflict
• Unpredictability
• Chaos
• Competing Demands

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SOME THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND

• The Main Rule is that there are few Hard and Fast
  Rules about exactly how to build a blended
  family..
• Whatever works and you can agree upon, will
  probably be the best route to take. Negotiation
  and compromise are key..
• Often it is a matter of trial and error and
  thats okay as long as you understand that going
  in and both agree to support each through the
  trials..
• The spirit in which you do things, make choices
  and conduct yourselves is as important as what
  you do..
• In many respects, you are in uncharted territory
  because no one has done exactly what you are
  about to embark on in your unique family
  situation..
• Choosing to be a CONSCIOUS Parent, Partner,
  Step-Parent, Ex-Spouse is invaluable.

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Our Goals for our Work and Our Family

• 2. Couple Strength as the Foundation of the
  Family
• Modeling Good Partnering Skills and a Healthy
  Relationship
• Establishing a Plan around how you communicate,
  support one another and get time to PLAY, PLAN
  and Deal with Issues
• A PLAN that gets Everyone some of what they
  need.

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Our Goals for our Work and Our Family

• 1. Priority Focus on the children and how to
  navigate this transition with them.
• What can we expect?
• What to put in place?
• What to make an issue of?
• What to leave alone?
• Where to start?

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VISION FOR THE FUTURE EXERCISE
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Stages of Stepfamily Development

• Fantasy Stage (sometimes called Illusion)
• Romance is in the air well be one big happy
  family.
• Confusion Stage
• Something is wrong but WHAT? The new family
  isnt working out the way we had planned.
• Crazy Time
• The stress and inaction of the previous stage
  makes its way to the surface.
• Family members experience pain, anger,
  dissatisfaction, guilt.
• Make or Break Time
• Stability
• When handled properly, this is a time of coming
  together
• Family Members begin to relate to one another in
  ways that are more natural
• and begin to see their own roles falling into
  place.
• Commitment (Acceptance) Stage

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CONFLICT

• Conflicting Forces of Blood and Sex Who comes
  first, my partner or my child?
• Conflict of Loyalties parent vs stepparent re
  child, partner vs partner re ex, child vs
  stepparent re biological parent
• Colliding Interests and Competing Needs

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Dynamics around the Individuals

• Consider each person in their various roles and
  the dynamics that surround these roles.
• Each role has a particular set of dynamics,
  challenges and expectations
• Mom, Dad, Stepmom, Stepdad, Child, Stepchild,
  Ex-Spouse, Sibling, Stepsibling

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Children, Teenagers, Young Adults, Adults

• Each stage has its own individual needs, roles,
  and developmentally appropriate challenges
• Navigating these against the backdrop of loss and
  disruption brought on by death or divorce, can be
  difficult enough.
• Introduction of the emerging new parental union
  and subsequent blended family can be a huge
  transition for any young person.

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Building and Maintaining Couple Strength

• Appreciating Each Others Reality.
• Being aware of Communication Styles.
• Continually nurturing and building the
  relationship.
• Modeling positive relationships for your Children.

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Tools for Building a New Family

• Planning Vision, Family Plan, Time for
  Relationships (Time, Money, Energy Grid tool)
• The Six Rs roles,
• rules, respect,
• responsibility, relationships, rituals
• (p. 35 of Family Rules)

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Tools for the New Family (continued)

• Building a Joint Vision for the New Family
• - Getting everyone some of what they need
• New Partnering and Parenting Learn it and Apply
  it (rule 8 in Family Rules)
• Couple Strength as the foundation of the family

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Ask Yourselves the Following Questions

• Whats in Place and What do we need to work on?
  How do we plan to work on this together?
• Does it Fit for Me? For Us?
• Assessing the situation honestly, your individual
  needs and expectations, getting to know yourself
  and making your own needs part of the equation
  are critical. Are you doing this now?
• Blind Sacrifice and Denial will get you somewhere
  but its not a place you would ever want to go.
  Do you find it difficult to face things head on?
  Are you inclined to meet everyone elses needs
  before your own?
• Just going through the process of asking yourself
  these questions raises your own awareness and
  increases your chances for success in a blended
  family

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WHERE TO BEGIN Getting to Know Each Other

• Our Stories
• Our Expectations
• Our Strengths
• Our Challenges
• Our Hopes

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De-Bugging the Relationship Exercises for
Couples

• Notion of the Family
• Time / Money / Energy Grid
• Your Job or Mine??
• A/B Reality- Honoring the Differences
• The Lake Placid Exercise
• Walk a Mile in the Others Shoes
• Fite Fair
• Sending and Receiving, Calling a time out
• Make it a Date

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Getting to Understanding

• Explore Families of Origin
• Individual Expectations of Marriage and Family
• ie Do we spend time together as a family or
  does everyone do their own thing?
• What is in common what is unique?
• What do we see as our combined strengths?
• What are our Challenges things to be worked on?

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Applying What We Know and What We Want to our New
Family

• Our Vision
• _________________________________________________
  __________________________________________________
  __________________________________________________
  _______________________________

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The Children (In the Home and Outside)

• Remember Who made the choice to combine the
  families and Who didnt have a choice in the
  matter.
• Some Things will stay the same Some Things will
  Change
• Different Sets of Rules can apply to different
  sub-families
• Some Rules and Expectations will apply to Everyone

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The Children at Home and Outside of the Home

• Give them the Time they need to adjust.
• Validate their personal fears, anxieties and
  concerns about the new situation.
• Parents and Stepparents focus on relationships
  keep your expectations in check dont force the
  relationships.

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Children/Young People in the Home

• Keep parenting and discipline styles as much the
  same as possible, at least in the beginning too
  much change too fast will set off alarm bells for
  them
• Biological parents continue as Primary
  Disciplinarian with own children
• Differential parenting can be okay with older
  children/adolescents Different strokes for
  different folks and how to explain this
• When to make adjustments and exceptions. For
  example, if a child from one family can make a
  case for having a similar later curfew and the
  parent sees no reason why not, then make the
  change.
• Remember, were also modeling for our children
  how to work out our differences, how to be
  reasonable with other people and how to negotiate
  change. What better training ground than a
  blended family?

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Structure in Your New Home

• Develop Guidelines and Common Expectations that
  Apply to All.
• Use the Four Rs as a guideline for
  acknowledging individuals, their place and
  contributions in the Family.
• Roles, Rules, Responsibility and Respect
• Rituals and Relationships also play a part.
• Create Family Memories by making room for
  everyone without forcing them to comply or take
  part, especially adult children.

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FAMILY MEETINGS

• Use this as a Time to Present Parents agreed
  upon Rules and Responsibilities.
• Replace the word Rules with Expectations or
  Guidelines if you wish.
• Parents invite childrens input but make the
  final decisions.
• Expectations include household chores or tasks.
• Respect for each other is expected at the
  meetings as well as in general.
• Explain consequences for not cooperating, doing
  ones part or respecting one another.
• Let everyone know that family meetings will be a
  predictable time and place for them to discuss
  issues.
• Explain why this is an efficient and healthy way
  to keep your new family functioning. A blended
  family is not unlike merging two corporations
  where planning and continual cooperation and
  communication is essential.

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Family Meeting Format

• Rules as crafted by parents will be presented
• There will be changes and Childrens ideas are
  listened to, respected and taken into
  consideration
• Adults run the meeting
• Children help decide consequences
• Children are encouraged to discuss what jobs they
  would like to do
• Respectful behavior or manners are expected at
  the meetings
• New Issues can be brought up to parents before
  the meeting parents decide before hand which
  issues to discuss new issues can be discussed or
  tabled

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Design a Family Meeting

• Time and Place (predictable schedule is best)
• Issues for First Meeting
• Explain Reasons for Meeting Together
• Establish some ground rules for making meeting
  fun and productive
• __________________________________________________
  __________________________________________________
  __________________________________________________
  ________________________________________

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Value of Establishing FAMILY RULES and ROLES in
the Household

• Come up with some common house rules, roles and
  responsibilities.
• Use your existing or previous family structures
  as a place to start.
• Are meant to impart fairness and to encourage
  working as a team. Not meant as a power hold by
  the parents.
• P. 35 Family Rules

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The Older Adult Children or Stepchildren

• The Adult Childrens Issues and Reactions to
• Re-Marriage
• While you the new partners see this opportunity
  for love as a great unexpected gift and a chance
  to savor love, your adult children rarely share
  your unbridled pleasure.
• The children often resist the change they know
  the marriage will bring. And they intensely
  resent being expected to act enthusiastic about
  it. (p xii Stepwars)
• Expectations are that adult children have their
  own lives and do not present any challenges to
  the newly remarried couple. This couldnt be
  further from the truth.

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The Wedding Why Isnt Everbody Happy?

• Here comes the complexity!!
• At a time when everyone is expected to share the
  happiness, self-interest and anxiety rule the
  day.
• Biological Adult Children view remarriage for
  their mother more positively than Biological
  Children of the Father.
• Daughters have more difficulty sharing their
  fathers with another woman and giving up
  their responsibility for him.

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Five Furies of Couples and Adult Children

• Fear of Abandonment and Isolation
• Fidelity to Family
• Favoritism
• Finances
• Focus on Self to the Exclusion of Other
• p. 7 Stepwars

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The Five Furies in Blended Families Definitions

• Fear of Abandonment The fear that you will lose
  a relationship that you depend upon for emotional
  and/or financial support and the fear that you
  will be pushed aside and left in a lonely limbo.
• Fidelity to Family Worry about changes in
  loyalty. Fidelity problems occur when members of
  the original family worry that the parent will
  lose his/her old loyalty after remarriage. The
  children may also feel that they themselves are
  demonstrating a lack of fidelity by supporting
  their remarrying parent. In the new family,
  either spouse may feel that the new partner is
  overly committed to his or her old family.
  Stepchildren also may feel that the new
  stepparents biological family has too much
  influence.
• Favoritism Concern about who is now number one.
  Whose wishes get top priority when choices have
  to be made.

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Five Furies (continued 2)

• Finances For adult children, fear that they
  may lose money and or property that they expected
  to be theirs for parents, fear that their
  children care more about their inheritance than
  about the parent.
• Focus on Self to the Exclusion of Others Anger
  that a parent or adult child is concerned only
  about himself or herself and no longer cares
  about the needs of others.
• A word to the wise Learn early on to
  distinguish between what you think or feel and
  what you say. Words can be destructive. As a
  first step in taming the Five Furies, you must
  recognize each one accurately and honestly. Only
  then can you construct an appropriate response.
• Empathy with other family members can be
  encouraged by understanding the human needs that
  are not being met to be loved and appreciated,
  to belong, and to have control over ones life.

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The Five Furies (continued 3)

• Look at Handout of p.8-18 from StepWars which
  looks at 5 Furies of Parents who are remarrying,
  and the 5 Furies for Adult children.
• What Furies do you expect to be dealing with and
  with whom?
• What will be some of the messages you choose to
  send?

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Step Matters Which Role will You Play?

• The Joiner A proactive stepfamily member who
  wants connectedness with the new stepfamily.
• The Guardian Angel A Joiner who, in addition,
  helps a new stepfamily member to become a part of
  his/her family.
• The Unifier A stepparent or adult stepchild who
  attempts to make all members of both families
  feel that they belong the larger single unit.
• The Indifferent A stepfamily member who has
  little interest in becoming part of a stepfamily.
  Doesnt think much about the stepfamily.
• The Distancer A stepfamily member who
  consciously chooses to have no involvement with
  the new stepfamily or its members.
• The Destabilizer A stepfamily member who
  actively attempts
  to disrupt the building of new bonds
  between the two stepfamilies. Usually this
  person feels they have everything to lose and
  nothing to gain in the new family.
• Handout, p 41-44 of StepWars

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Suggestions in the Beginning

• Slow down or just go slow from the beginning
• Dont expect smooth sailing
• Dont expect the new family to heal wounds or
  losses from the past it may actually exacerbate
  them or bring them to the surface
• Whatever Happens, KEEP TALKING!!
• If possible, move to a neutral ground (New Home)
  
• Give a lot of thought to planning a new home and
  the spaces that everyone will occupy
  (particularly with teens and young adults space
  and privacy is everything to them!)

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More Suggestions.

• Normalize the situations, the feelings and the
  reactions. Everyone has difficulty with major
  transitions, this is to be expected and will be
  accepted.
• Give everyone room to breathe and time to
  adjust.
• Open up the issues and discussions but dont
  force them. Just knowing you are willing to talk
  about things or understand that they (the
  children) have their own feelings or thoughts on
  the matter, that may very well differ from your
  own, and that you accept that, will make them
  more open and receptive to you. This will
  ultimately mean so much more than outward
  displays of affection that dont come honestly or
  easily.
• Remember that children and adult children, are
  very perceptive they would rather experience or
  receive genuine respect or caring than insincere
  love or a forced display of affection. Their
  radar is up for people who are real and genuine
  in their responses.

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Other Niggly Issues

• What do we call each other?
• How do we approach each others children in a way
  that conveys openness and respect and also seems
  normal and natural?
• Is there anything wrong with treating ones own
  children differently when it comes to affection?
• Remember, everyone has their own comfort zone
  with these things and only by talking about it,
  do we reach understanding.

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Our Goals for our Work and Our Family

• 3. A Family Plan that gets Everyone some of
  what they need
• Begins with a Vision
• Includes the steps along the way
• Fills in the details of how to reach your Vision
• What specifically are we prepared to do to make
  this work?

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What will Help You Get There?

• A Solid Plan
• A Sense of Humor
• Much Prayer
• The serenity to accept the things you cannot
  change
• The Courage to change the things you can
• And the Wisdom to know the difference