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Working with Difficult People

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To identify strategies for working with difficult people who we might encounter ... Adult tantrum, rage barely under control. When person feels thwarted and threatened ... – PowerPoint PPT presentation

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Title: Working with Difficult People


1
Working with Difficult People
Rob Houser July 13, 1999
rob_at_userfirst.net
2
Goal of this workshop
  • To identify strategies for working with
    difficult people who we might encounter in the
    workplace so we can become more effective
    technical communicators.

3
Objectives
  • To recognize the pros and cons of conflict
  • To classify 10 common difficult behaviors
  • To learn strategies for coping with the 10 types
    of difficult behaviors

4
How do you define conflict?
  • What words come to your mind when you hear the
    word conflict?

frustrated uncomfortable stressful
friction tired distracting
obstacle unfortunate
unavoidable challenging directly
flexible inevitable human
politics necessary
5
  • You can call it an argument all you want, but
    we both know its a fight!
  • ---Rebecca
    Houser

6
What is conflict?
  • When two or more people do not share the same
    beliefs, interests, or goals
  • Conflict is natural and inevitable
  • Conflict is uncomfortable and stressful
  • The goal of conflict resolution is not to
    eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to
    handle it constructively

7
Why are people difficult?
  • Feeling thwarted or threatened
  • Exceptional levels of stress
  • Your reactions to their difficult behavior which
    reinforces the behavior by increasing the stress
    they already feel
  • Learned behavior (getting their way)
  • Inflexibility (on both sides)

8
What can you do about it?
  • You cant change other people
  • Learn to appreciate and draw upon the different
    strengths of difficult people
  • Focus on coping with difficult behavior (adapting
    to other communication styles)

9
  • Have you learned lessons only of those who
    admired you, and were tender with you, and stood
    aside for you?
  • Have you not learned great lessons from those
    who braced themselves against you, and disputed
    the passage with you?
  • ---Walt
    Whitman

10
10 Common Difficult Behaviors
  • Super-Agreeables
  • Indecisives
  • Unresponsives
  • Negativists
  • Complainers
  • Sherman Tanks
  • Snipers
  • Exploders
  • Know-it-all Experts
  • Think-they-know-it-all

11
Sherman Tanks
  • Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt,
    intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational
  • Feel strong need to prove that their view of the
    world is always right
  • Get irritated or angry if sense resistance
  • See tasks as clear and concrete
  • Value assertiveness and confidence

12
Snipers
  • Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to
    make you look foolish in groups
  • Hides behind crowds and social constraints
  • Often very witty
  • Share Tanks strong sense of how others should
    act but is often unrealistic
  • Can turn into a Tank if exposed

13
Exploders
  • Adult tantrum, rage barely under control
  • When person feels thwarted and threatened
  • May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream
  • Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming
  • Creates highest amount of resentment among others
    of all behaviors

14
Know-it-all Experts
  • Highly productive, thorough and accurate
    thinkers, careful planners
  • Believe facts and knowledge provide stability
    answers lie within themselves
  • Low tolerance for correction/contradiction
  • Condescending, dont wait for others to catch up
    to their thought process or seek input from
    others

15
Think-they-know-it-alls
  • Seek the admiration and respect of others by
    trying to act like experts when they are not
  • Dont always know they are not experts
  • Curious people like to learn a little about a
    lot of things

16
Super-Agreeables
  • Want to be liked and loved by everyone
  • Make others feel liked and approved of
  • Tell you things that are satisfying to hear
  • Often use humor to ease conversation
  • Say Yes to everything but often dont deliver
    because they are over-committed
  • Can secretly be resentful of doing so much

17
Indecisives
  • Put off making important decisions because they
    dont want to hurt anyone
  • Have high standards
  • Strive to help people
  • Usually stall until the decision is made

18
Unresponsives
  • Close down, even when asked direct question
    (answer yes, no, I dont know)
  • Clam up when you need a response or expect
    conversation
  • Difficult to determine why they are silent

19
Complainers
  • Find fault with everything, complain constantly,
    accusatory, prescriptive
  • Feel someone should be doing something but feel
    helpless to take action
  • Have distinct idea of what should be done
  • Usually is some truth to their complaints

20
Negativists
  • Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have
    little power over their lives
  • Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers
  • Bring others down quickly
  • Say Weve tried this before or That wont
    work without looking for solutions

21
  • If civilization is to survive, we must
    cultivate the science of human relationships--the
    ability of all people, of all kinds, to live
    together, in the same world at peace.
  • --- Franklin D.
    Roosevelt

22
Acknowledge Positive Intent
  • FOCUS ON TASKS
  • Control (to get the job done)
  • Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
  • Perfection (to get it right)
  • Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives

23
Acknowledge Positive Intent
  • FOCUS ON PEOPLE
  • Approval Seeking (to get along)
  • Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
  • Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
  • Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers

24
10 Coping Methods
  • Super-Agreeables
  • Indecisives
  • Unresponsives
  • Negativists
  • Complainers
  • Sherman Tanks
  • Snipers
  • Exploders
  • Know-it-all Experts
  • Think-they-know-it-all

25
Sherman Tanks
Get it done
  • Stand up for yourself without fighting
  • Give them time to run down
  • Dont worry about being polite, just get in
  • Get their attention, carefully
  • Get them to sit down
  • Speak from your own point of view
  • Avoid a head-on fight
  • Be ready to be friendly

26
Snipers
Get it done
Get appreciated
  • Surface the attack immediately
  • Give the sniper an out (ask questions)
  • Seek group confirmation or denial of the snipers
    criticism
  • Move on to solve any problems uncovered

27
Exploders
Get appreciated
  • Give them time to run down
  • Show that you take them seriously
  • Interrupt the interaction

28
Know-it-all Experts
Get it done
  • Do your homework
  • Listen and acknowledge
  • Question firmly, but dont confront
  • Ask extensional questions to get details
  • Acknowledge their competence
  • Make time for reflection
  • As last resort, let them be the expert

29
Think-they-know-it-alls
Get appreciated
  • State the facts as an alternative version
  • Give them a way out

30
Super-agreeables
Get along
  • Make honestly non-threatening
  • Be personal - when you can
  • Listen to their humor
  • Be prepared to compromise

31
Indecisives
Get along
  • Establish a comfort zone
  • Surface the issues
  • Help them problem solve (make decision)
  • Reassure after decision is made
  • Strengthen the relationship

32
Unresponsives
Get it right
  • Ask open-ended questions
  • Use the friendly, silent stare
  • Dont fill the space
  • Comment on whats happening
  • If clam opens up, listen rather than talk
  • If clam stays closed, terminate meeting and
    reschedule

33
Negativists
Get it right
  • Avoid getting drawn in
  • State your own realistic optimism
  • Dont argue
  • Dont rush into proposing solutions
  • Set a horror floor
  • Use comments to make decisions
  • Be ready to take action on your own

34
Complainers
Get it right
  • Listen attentively to their complaints
  • Acknowledge what they say
  • Be prepared to interrupt to acknowledge
  • Dont agree or apologize
  • State the facts without comment and apology
  • Move quickly into problem solving

35
  • The person who grabs the cat by the tail
    learns about 44 percent faster than the one just
    watching.
  • ---
    Mark Twain

36
Acknowledge Positive Intent
  • Control (to get the job done)
  • Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
  • Perfection (to get it right)
  • Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives
  • Approval Seeking (to get along)
  • Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
  • Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
  • Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers

37
Basic Strategy (time to think)
  • Describe the behavior in detail
  • Write down your understanding of behavior
  • Review your interaction with this person (what
    worked and didnt work)
  • Choose the proper coping behavior
  • What do you need to learn and practice
  • Create an action plan and follow through

38
Basic Strategy (on the spot)
  • Determine positive intent/valued criteria
  • Listen (but stop destructive behavior)
  • Summarize (length depends on behavior)
  • Clarify questions to collect details

39
Basic Strategy (on the spot)
  • Speak to be heard
  • State your positive intent
  • Tell your story from your point of view
  • Dont damage the relationship, if possible

40
Conclusion
  • Coping with difficult people is never easy and
    hardly ever fun
  • Getting along with other people, even the
    difficult ones, is as important a skill for us as
    good writing and Java scripting

41
Conclusion
  • Practice coping techniques in safe situations
    (like in STC)
  • Avoid attributing internal motives to behavior
    assume good intentions
  • Remember that everybody is somebodys difficult
    person at least some of the time

42
Recommended Books
  • Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People.
    Dell Publishing. New York 1981.
  • Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People
    Styles at Work. American Management Association.
    New York 1996
  • Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With
    People You Cant Stand. R.R. Donnelley Sons.
    New York 1994.
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