Title: Happier and longer lasting marriages with the harmony of science and religion
1Happier and longer lasting marriages with the
harmony of science and religion
Ron and Anna Shigeta
2Todays four points about marriage
- Hygiene
- Education
- Progressive Revelation
- Consultation
3I. Hygiene
4Companionship
- man cannot live singly and alone. He is in need
of continuous cooperation and mutual help. He
can never, singly and alone, provide himself with
all the necessities of existence. Therefore, he
is in need of cooperation and reciprocity.
5- The Myth of Compatibility.
6Differences and conflict occur in nearly all
marriages
- By nearly all we mean all
7Two friends
O ye two believers in God! The Lord, peerless is
He, hath made woman and man to abide with each
other in the closest companionship, and to be
even as a single soul. They are two helpmates,
two intimate friends, who should be concerned
about the welfare of each other. Abdu'l-Baha,
Selected Writings, p 122
8II. Education
What happens to youwhen you get married?
- with fire We test the gold, with the gold we
test the Servants
9 10Two Couples Argue
- Will Couple A be together in 4 years?
- Will Couple B?
11Marriage Research ResultsAlmost too Good!
- Early studies (1970s) showed professional
Therapists, Clergy had an essentially random
accuracy at spotting troubled couples. - Early 1990s analysis of the effect of
conventional Marriage Therapy shows that divorce
returns to previous levels in 3 months. - Some models show a 94 accuracy (correlation
with model) predicting whether a married couple
will become divorced within the next 4 years.
Even simple questionnaires have gt 80. - Models from this analysis assembled describe a
useful understanding of human communication. - Workshops and therapies designed from this model
may halve the divorce rate in participants.
(broad study of marital preparation workshops
shows a 33 reduction in divorce among
participants).
12Other Myths about DivorceInvestigation and
checking Assumptions
- Quid pro Quo (exchanging favors one for one)
- Infidelity (the great majority of divorces do not
include infidelity) - Monogamy is for women
- Dominance Structures are Functional/Dysfunctional
(two theories) - Behavior Change
- Conflict Resolution (resolving a chronic problem
in marriage)
13Other Myths about DivorceInvestigation and
checking Assumptions
- Active listening (I am hearing you)
- Communication Styles (Men from Mars/Women from
Venus) - Reinforcement erosion (mutual reinforcement
decreases over time) - Mind Reading is dysfunctional (finishing others
sentences) - Showing anger (!)
14The Four Horsemen
- Contempt speaking from a higher plane
- Stonewalling withdrawing from a discussion
- Criticism blaming others character
- Defensiveness denying responsibility for the
situation
Can we keep the four horsemen at bay?
15Whats going on inside?
16- Activity resolvable/unresolvable.
17- Making Deposits in the Emotional Bank Account
18Thus is it incumbent upon us, when we direct our
gaze toward other people, to see where they
excel, not where they fail.
- Spiritual Susceptibities
- And submission.
19III. Progressive Revelation
- An exalted state of being
20growth happens by tests
Marriage Education
Men Science Emotions
Women Religion Reason
21A Master Couple
Audio John Gottman and Argument of a Master
Couple From The Sanctity of Marriage Show of
This American Life on NPR
1250 1325 1425 1605
22Educated Families for an Educated World.
Compare the nations of the world to the members
of a family. A family is a nation in miniature.
Simply enlarge the circle of the household, and
you have the nation. Enlarge the circle of
nations, and you have all humanity. The
conditions surrounding the family surround the
nation. The happenings in the family are the
happenings in the life of the nation.
(Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal
Peace, p. 157)
23IV. Consultation
24The Cycle of Consultation
Consult
Act
Reflect
25Workagain
- The prime requisites for them that take counsel
together are purity of motive, radiance of
spirit, detachment from all else save God,
attraction to His Divine Fragrances, humility and
lowliness amongst His loved ones, patience and
long-suffering in difficulties and servitude to
His exalted Threshold. - -Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p.
87 - the Spiritual Assembly
26- So they must confer and consult in such a way
that neither disagreement nor abhorrence may
occur. When meeting for consultation, each must
use perfect liberty in stating his views and
unveiling the proof of his demonstration. If
another contradicts him, he must not become
excited because if there be no investigation or
verification of questions and matters, the
agreeable view will not be discovered neither
understood. The brilliant light which comes from
the collision of thoughts is the "lightener" of
facts. - (Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith Section, p. 406)
27Differences / Contention
Ye have been forbidden in the Book of God
to engage in contention and conflict, to strike
another, or to commit similar acts whereby hearts
and souls may be saddened. (Baha'u'llah,
The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 72) The shining spark
of truth cometh forth only after the clash
of differing opinions. (Abdu'l-Baha,
Selected Writings, p. 87)
28The Four Bad Attitudes to overcome revisited
- Contempt Humility seeing yourself as lower
than the rest - Stonewalling Detachment
- Criticism Attraction
- Defensiveness Radiant Acquiescence
29For a great reward
- Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly
plane, things contrary to your wishes have been
ordained and manifested by God, for days of
blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly
in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually
glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes.
30Consultation Exercises
- Resolve a vital question by coming together and
voicing your opinion. Honestly. - Question 1 How can single people get along
better? What advice do you have to give about how
the opposite sexes should interact? e.g. What
would make a dinner date more pleasant? - Question 2 What should you really know about
someone you were really going to be spending your
life with?
31Todays four points about marriage
- Hygiene Brush every day
- Education Mine the precious gems
- Progressive Revelation A lifetime of growth
- Consultation Comes with spiritual growth
32VI. Resources
33Resources
- MarriageTransformation.com
- Bahais Susanne and Criag Farnsworth give a 3 day
workshop. At Bosch most years. - Pure Gold Encouraging Character Qualities in
Marriage is their text - There are extensive book reviews on this site as
well - Gottman.com is John Gottmans research and
training site - Couples workshops in Seattle
- Therapist Certification and Training, June 2006
- Book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work by John Gottman - DVDs
- Marriagescience.org our blog that reviews
marriage research.