The putting the spotlight on the tactics of control project

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The putting the spotlight on the tactics of
control project
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Practice Intentions

• Expose the operations of the control tactics
• Make more visible womens knowledges, skills,
  intentions and hopes
• Document alternative stories of womens lives
• Deconstuct bigger ideas that support violence
  against women
• Share these stories with other women

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The razor wire spiral of isolation
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Staying Connected
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The venomous snake of poison minds
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The venomous snake of poison minds

• This tactic is all about getting a women to
  believe things about herself that are not true.
  The mind poisoning happens by mind games saying
  things like you are nothing without me or I
  have made you everything that you are you owe
  me. The mind games get a woman questioning her
  own beliefs about herself and her preferred ways
  of seeing herself. It can make a woman feel
  guilty and responsible for things that are not
  her fault. This tactic hopes to get women
  separated from a sense of who she is, and not
  trusting her reality and her truth. This tactic
  is supported by the fear strategies of the
  rotten branch of consequence. Its other allies
  are the Palm Tree of Possession and the Hour
  Glass of Restrictions.

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Believing in Yourself
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Believing in Yourself

• This theme is about how women have tried to find
  ways to work out the mind games. Some of these
  ways have included seeing the mind games for what
  they really are, reality checking with others, to
  seek other voices and opinions that can act as an
  antidote to the poison of the lies. In seeking
  these voices, a woman can begin to cleanse
  herself from the venom of the mind games. In
  clearly seeing the mind games , and hearing other
  preferred voices a woman can get separated from
  guilt and can start to experience a sense of
  freedom to be who she wants to be, and what she
  wants to believe in

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Sweet Talking Candy Cane
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Sweet Talking Candy Cane

• This tactics involves disguising agendas of
  control by saying and doing things that appear
  sweet on the surface. This control tactic is also
  designed to offer sweet gestures towards a woman
  after moments of abuse at the hands of her
  partner. The candy cane is successful when it has
  hooked women into situations where they are
  separated from their own better judgment and
  power. The sweet talking candy cane often works
  in partnership with the weakness spotting
  telescope and the razor wire spiral of
  isolation.

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Sweet Talking Candy Cane

• Have you ever experienced falling for a partner
  or potential partner who was saying or doing
  sweet things in an attempt get you hooked into a
  situation of control?
• What did he do or say that tried to get you
  hooked?
• How did the sweet talking candy cane try to get
  you separated from your better judgement?
• How have you come to notice the workings of the
  sweet talking candy cane?

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The rotten branch of consequences
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The rotten branch of consequences

• The rotten branch of consequences uses fear and
  implied threats to keep the women guessing how to
  obey or comply with all the rules her partner
  defines. The rules might be not be clear or might
  change. This tactic is designed to make women
  live with intense uncertainty, given it is not
  always possible to predict when the branch will
  fall. If a woman doesnt obey she is forced to
  bear the consequences that can include yelling or
  hitting or other punishments that are also hard
  to predict. It can consume a womans life making
  her get more and more focused on trying to
  predict the rules. It can leave a woman feeling
  more trapped and pinned by the fear of breaking a
  rule she hadnt foreseen. The rotten branch of
  consequences work is mostly supported by the
  hour glass of restrictions, the razor wire
  spiral of isolation and the barking dog of blame
  and accusation.

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The rotten branch of consequences

• Have you lived with a sense of fear that you had
  to try to follow the rules or else?
• What were some of the rules you were expected to
  comply with?
• How did living with the fear of possible
  consequences effect your life?
• Is living in such a state of fear and uncertainty
  O.K. for you? If not why?

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Steps for Safety
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Steps for Safety

• This theme speaks of ways women have found to
  go underground, to resist, and/or secretly make
  plans leave an unsafe situation. Steps for
  safety have a woman carefully and meticulously
  planning a way to escape in the face to tactics
  of fear and intimidation. It speaks about women
  finding ways to summon something from inside
  them, to step towards safety to protect
  themselves and/or their children.

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Steps for Safety

• Can you think of a time when fear or intimidation
  was around, so you went underground to take a
  step for safety? What did you do, or not do?
• What made this first step for safety possible?
• In taking this step for safety what are you
  stepping toward for you and your children?
• Is there anyone in your life who wouldnt be
  surprised to hear of you taking these steps for
  safety?

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The vulnerability telescope
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The vulnerability telescope

• This tactic tries to spot womens
  vulnerabilities, to assess and single out which
  women may be a potential target to control. The
  telescope tries to work out which women may be
  feeling low, by reading her body language and her
  interactions to open to door for the sweet
  talking candy cane to some of its best work. The
  telescope susses out where the women may be at,
  to work out which tactic may be most successful
  in taking the lives of women.

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The vulnerability telescope

• Have you ever felt that you have been targeted at
  a time when you were feeling low?
• How did the telescope try to spot your
  vulnerabilities at the time?
• What difference does it make to know of the
  operations of the vulnerability spotting
  telescope?

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The confidence force field
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The New Beginnings Project An informal chat
about a work in progress
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History of the New Beginnings Project

• 2004 Ladies Lounge
• Ladies Lounge - the name
• trickiness - some conflict and violence
• Planning for 2005 Ladies Lounge
• our bottom line - safe space
• ? lingering effects of control violence
  impacting on womens friendships
• initial interviews with women highlighted some
  of their concerns with friendship

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Some of what the women told us

• We heard stories of some of the tactics of
  control and violence and their impact on womens
  friendships, e.g., the tactics of
• isolation
• put-downs
• restrictions
• consequences

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2005 Ladies Lounge Where to place the issue of
friendship

• Homework questions! - hot topic
• Friendships not usually openly talked about
  (beginnings, endings, how its going)
• We aimed
• To support the women in clarifying for themselves
  their hopes and intentions for friendship
• To provide an opportunity for these intentions to
  be made public to the group

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Opportunities for new friendships

• When a new friendship has worked out well, what
  did you that helped?
• Did not work our well, what went wrong? Was there
  something you learnt from this? What might you do
  differently?
• Less preferred things for your life - what
  friendship experiences might you be keen to
  avoid? How might you protect yourself?
• What kinds of friendships might support the
  things youre wanting for your life?

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The groups exploration of preferences for
friendship

• The group continued exploring womens preferred
  ways of stepping into opportunities for
  friendship.
• For example, using Lizs shoe cards opened up
  clarifying conversations

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Some of What the Women Told Us

• The high heels of cautiousness.
• Stepping into opportunities for friendship in a
  cautious way.
• Confidence would help with this
• Gumboots for wading through
• Though losing an old friend from saying one wrong
  thing
• Dealing with the impact of the recent return on
  another friend

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Some of What the Women Told Us (cont)

• Shoes with sparkles for bringing the spark back
  in.
• Im confident and know my boundaries.
• I dont let people take advantage.
• If people dont like me 100, thats OK.
• Confidence helps me stay on an even keel with
  friendships that arent too close

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Some of What the Women Told Us (cont)

• Ballet shoes
• Because I have to tippy toe in friendships
• Confidence would help me hold back
• Invisible shoes!
• So that I can do things without people seeing my
  tracks, without the crap that comes from behind
  when Im trying things for the first time, when
  Im changing my life.
• Change your shoes and you can change your life!

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Some ideas for stepping into new friendships

• One slice at a time (or just some crumbs!)
• the importance of not offering all of yourself
  (the whole cake) at once, and not telling your
  whole and deep story to someone youve just met
• of checking things out, and taking things
  cautiously
• of keeping boundaries and discerning who to tell
  what.

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Stepping into new friendships(cont)

• Confidence
• a lot of conversation was had about how
  confidence is important for doing friendship in
  preferred ways and how confidence is diminished
  by control and violence

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Further developments during 2005 Ladies Lounge

• Some trying out of new friendships
• Some open talking about how these were going -
  this was different!
• Some re-clarifying of preferences for friendship
  experiences

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Funding to further explore this issue

• Receiving this funding highlighted our
  responsibilities to
• the women
• Kyabra
• the funding body
• the DV sector
• This led us to think about, discuss and question
  how we should proceed

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Our Research Ways

• Practitioners, not researchers
• Our training and backgrounds
• Accountability to different audiences
• Wanting to make a difference
• Wanting congruence with practice
• The questions asked and methods used will
  influence the knowledges developed and how these
  are used
• Honouring the privilege of this opportunity

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We think we might be doing Action Research??
(Grundy 1995)

• Were practitioners, not researchers
• Were involved in a collaborative process,
  together as practitioners and with the women, and
  with our Reference Group
• We started our journey with this topic last year
  with a plan
• We acted on this plan and observed what happened
• Reflected on what happened, revised our plan,
  acted on this revised plan, and so on.

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Components of the project

• Literature review (being written up)
• not much written about womens friendships (vs
  things like social support)
• language used - often pathologising,
  deficit-based, leading to actions such as skills
  training
• Further co-research with the women (in process)
• Presenting this work for input/reflection
• presenting this work in progress here
• writing an article for publication (by end of
  Nov)

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Some of what the women have told us

• I can now choose my own friends. Some of my
  steps towards choosing my own friends have been
  to sit back and watch for
• quick tempers, attitude changes, and how they
  treat others
• so that my children and I will have a
  safer,happier life
• and I will have trustworthy friends wholl help
  me when Im down and back me up

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Some of what the women have told us (cont)

• Friendships have got to be on my terms now, and
  not just with whoever comes along, so that
  friends will support what Im wanting for my
  life.
• Ill choose to come to a womens group for
  myself, but will look for friends outside the
  group. In the group they know too much about me
  and I know too much about them. Just a slice of
  the cake.

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Some of what the women have told us (cont)

• Taking small steps towards building friendships,
  such as watching TV, so when someone says Did
  you see that show on TV? I can join in the
  conversation.
• Meeting people through things like TAFE rather
  than around alcohol and drugs.
• Watching and gradually sharing.
• Listening and finding common threads.

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New Beginningsby Theresa

• Friendships have begun
• to blossom in the sun.
• Confidences grow.
• And hope still flows.

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• The End!