Parenting for Ethics: Five Proven Practices

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Parenting for Ethics Five Proven Practices

• Stratford Academy
• Parents
• February 2009

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• these slides at
• (case sensitive)
• www.csee.org/files/Documents/UL/stratford.ppt
• ds_at_csee.org

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Good Kids have Components of Moral Life

• Empathy
• Conscience
• Altruism
• Moral Reasoning

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Prequiz 1

• Other than school, what 2 demands must my kids
  live up to?
• When was the last time I communicated those
  demands / standards?
• Would my kids say my standards are hard to live
  up to?
• Do I monitor living up to demands, or do I
  trust?

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Prequiz 2

• When my kids need me, am I there for them?
• When my kids need me, am I fully present for
  them?
• When my kids have trouble living up to the
  standards I set, what do I do?
• Is love and support both verbalized and
  demonstrated?

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Parenting Styles

• DEMANDINGNESS
• high low

high NURTURANCE low
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Unengaged

• No preschooler optimally competent
• Teens highest level of drug/alcohol abuse
• Teens highest depression, anxiety
• Teens lowest achievement scores

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Parenting Styles

• DEMANDINGNESS
• high low

high NURTURANCE low
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Permissive parents

• children not self regulated, prosocial,
  achievement oriented
• adolescents more likely to abuse drugs
• permissiveness fosters dependency

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Parenting Styles

• DEMANDINGNESS
• high low

high NURTURANCE low
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Authoritarian parents

• children gave into peer pressure
• poorer academic skills
• greater rates of anxiety, depression

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Parenting Styles

• DEMANDINGNESS
• high low

high NURTURANCE low
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Authoritive vs Authoritarian

• Authoritative use behavioral control (overt,
  confrontive, aims at compliance)
• Authoritarian use behavioral AND psychological
  control (covert, intrusive, manipulative of world
  and childs identity) (psychological control
  includes guilt induction, threats of loss of
  love)

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Wounding Words (Coercive)

• Cause more harm to good adjustment than harsh
  physical punishment

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Variable effects of styleDiana Baumrind, Ph.D.

• agentic
• communal
• anxiety/depression
• substance abuse issues
• moral reasoning skills

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moral reasoning fact

• Adolescent moral reasoning is predicted
  positively by authoritative parenting style,
  negatively by permissive parenting
• (THUS high standards, demands AND high levels of
  nurturance, support)

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Kids of authoritive parents

• More willing to try to change parents minds
  rather than defiant disobedience
• More agentic AND community oriented

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Quiz 1 Demands

• Other than school, what 2 demands must my kids
  live up to?
• When was the last time I communicated those
  demands / standards?
• Would my kids say my standards are hard to live
  up to?
• Do I monitor living up to demands, or do I
  trust?
• (To what extent do I monitor?)

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Quiz 2 Nurturance

• When my kids need me, am I there for them?
• When my kids need me, am I fully present for
  them?
• When my kids have trouble living up to the
  standards I set, what do I do?
• Is love and support both verbalized and
  demonstrated?

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Prequiz 3 Models

• Do I live up to the standards I set for my
  kids?
• What two virtues do I want my kid to show most?
  (kindness, respect for people property, loyalty
  to family friends, responsible academic
  behavior, responsibility for taking part in
  family duties, honesty)
• Do I model these two virtues for my kid?
• Do I comment on TV shows, current events,
  music, etc. to reflect my concern for these
  virtues?
• Do the people, movies, books and magazines I
  bring into my home demonstrate (or coexist with)
  these virtues?

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ModelingBe the arrow you want to shoot

• Kids watch
• Actions speak louder than words
• We are the most important moral tools we have
• Models are also who/what we bring into our homes
• Practice what you preach, but preach what you
  practice

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Prequiz 4 Role to Play

• Does my child have responsibilities at home,
  other than basic politeness and academics?
• Do I solicit my childs opinion on matters?
• Do I include my child in family discussions?
• Does my son/daughter feel as though he/she is
  an important part of the famly?
• Are there skills (of community living) I want
  my child to learn before he or she leaves home?
  (negotiating differences, solving interpersonal
  problems, fighting fairly)

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Meaningful Inclusive Family Interactions

• Involvement in discussions
• Opinion sought, listened to, respected
• Role in decision making (when appropriate)
• (Key role in schools, too)
• Kids learn the skills of ethical life in such
  interactions

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By the way

• you do not need to be a perfect parent
• kids come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and
  temperaments
• kids are amazingly resilient
• we can teach further resilience
• starting late is better than not starting

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Quiz 4 Role to Play

• Does my child have responsibilities at home,
  other than basic politeness and academics?
• Do I solicit my childs opinion on matters?
• Do I include my child in family discussions?
• Does my son/daughter feel as though he/she is
  an important part of the famly?
• Are there skills (of community living) I want
  my child to learn before he or she leaves home?
  (negotiating differences, solving interpersonal
  problems, fighting fairly)

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Prequiz 5

• How about spanking?
• At what age should disciplinary sanctions stop?
• Do I have a philosophy of discipline I try to
  stick to?
• Does my child need to be punished consistently?
• Does the disciplinary system I use coexist
  comfortably with the virtues I identified in
  Prequiz 3?
• Does my child leave the heat of disciplinary
  situations feeling feeling competent, autonomous,
  and like a beloved member of the family?

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• Induction is perhaps the single most powerful
  parental influence on childrens moral
  development
• Marvin W. BerkowitzMcDonnell Professor of
  Character Education,UMSL

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Induction entails

• pointing out the childs actions and effects,
  plus
• expressing your concern about the behavior and
• the behaviors implications for the child and
  others

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why the importance of induction?

• It teaches or reinforces knowledge, with
  feeling
• it links the self and others
• it stimulates understanding of reasons for
  picking one course of action vs another
• research links induction to
• greater empathy
• more highly developed conscience
• higher levels of moral reasoning
• altruism

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Good Kids Components of Moral Life

• Empathy
• Conscience
• Altruism
• Moral Reasoning

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Two Truths about DisciplineMarilyn Watson, Ph.D.

• The goal of discipline is to develop the skills,
  understandings, and personal desire to be kind,
  fair, responsible and wise.
• Children can be trusted

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Quiz 5 Induction Discipline

• Spanking perhaps not harmful?
• At what age should disciplinary sanctions stop?
• Do I have a philosophy of discipline I try to
  stick to?
• Does my child need to be punished consistently?
• Does the disciplinary system I use coexist
  comfortably with the virtues I identified in
  Prequiz 3?
• Does my child leave the heat of disciplinary
  situations feeling feeling cometent, autonomous,
  and like a beloved member of the family?

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Five Keys to Parenting TeensJudith Smetana, Ph.D.

• Set standards and expectations high
• Be responsive
• Dont withdraw love or support in hard times
• Give freedom, but carefully
• Keep track

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Things to avoid

• Being a helicopter parent
• Punishment, to the extent possible
• Fighting over the small stuff

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Final Words when times are bad

• Dont give up, especially when the going gets
  tough.
• When its tough is when our kids need us most.
• Valuable skills are learned in tough times.