www.pgfnz.org.nz

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www.pgfnz.org.nz www.problem-gambling.info
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An Arduous Threesome - When Gambling is Hogging
the Bed Couples Counselling in the Problem
Gambling Field
Sharlene Wong Clinical Team Leader, Northern
Region
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Some tools you might like to add to your tool
kit Not the only ways you can do couples
counselling Illustrate tools using case examples

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Ideal Conditions

• Counsellor has assessed of risk of self harm/harm
  to others and has appropriately followed up.
• Counselling has already provided some strategies
  that address gambling, for example, control of
  money, alternatives to gambling.
• Couple both report a desire to improve
  relationship.

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Typical Client Hopes

• Would like to feel they care
• Want to understand why they
• Would like them to understand
• Would like to be able to trust
• Want there to be less arguing!

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Major Difference
One to one counselling builds on empathy
between counsellor and client Couples
counselling builds on empathy between partners
in the couple relationship
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Genograms

• Tool to map whos who
• Map/highlight patterns/types of relationships
• Build rapport around gambling issues, money
  issues
• Develop empathy/understanding between partners

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Who on the family tree likes to gamble? On that
side of the family, what kinds of sayings were
there around money? If your family had a family
crest, what would it have said about .
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Money doesnt grow on trees Money is more
important than love What goes around comes
around Work first, then play Take the easy way
out Nothing comes free Win some, lose some Whats
yours is mine and what is mine is yours Work
hard, play hard Money cant buy you love
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Circular Patterns
Explores patterns of behaviour or
communication Emphasis on positive intentions
rather than shortcomings/conversations that lay
blame Use to map different possibilities and
alternative behaviours
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Intentional Dialogue
Emphasis on listening skills, the art of
summarising. Education on body language and
waiting for your turn. Counsellor not
judge/jury highlights positive intentions and
differing perceptions. Ref Hendrix, H.
Getting the Love You Want, Harper Perennial, 1988
USA
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Intentional Dialogue Case Study Linda David
L Expresses anger towards D for not being
there. Counsellor encourages L to be more
specific. Reminds L that she has often expressed
anger what else is there? L Reminds D of
incident when he fails to attend family
gathering. L expresses anger and hurt. D
Summarises L, checks if he has summarised
accurately and asks L if she has anything more to
add.
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Intentional Dialogue Case Study Linda David
L Expresses anger towards D for not being
there. Counsellor encourages L to be more
specific. Reminds L that she has often expressed
anger what else is there? L Reminds D of
incident when he fails to attend family
gathering. L expresses anger and hurt. D
Summarises L, checks if he has summarised
accurately and asks L if she has anything more to
add.
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L declines invitation. Ds turn to respond D
Expresses pressure and feelings of stress.
Sacrificed family gathering to do paid work.
Feels pressure to earn to compensate losses
related to gambling.

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Counsellor task Encourage couple to suspend
their own anger and hurt while they listen to the
other. Build closeness, trust, intimacy through
being heard, learning to empathise, hearing and
summarising the others perceptions even if they
differ from yours.
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Connect to genogram work build
empathy. Highlight not enough resources to go
around on that day. How will L and D
communicate next time so that they are aware of
all the commitments that lie before
them? Emphasis on negotiation and prioritising
of commitments.
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Caring Behaviours
List some of the behaviours your partner does
that allow you to feel cared about and
special Can be behaviours that they used to do
or still do Ref Stuart, R., Helping Couples
Change A Social Learning Approach to Marital
Therapy, The Guildford Press, New York, 1980
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• List some of the behaviours that your partner
  does that allow you to feel special and cared
  about
• Need not involve spending money
• Specific
• Positive
• Small (can happen at least once a day)
• Not related to a recent sharp conflict

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Examples of Caring Behaviours

• Make me a cup of tea when I get home
• Rub my shoulders
• Hold my hand when we are going out
• Phone me at work and ask how my day is going

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Less and More

• Two halves make a whole
• At this point in time may not be as compatible as
  before (rose tinted glasses)
• Can grow from each other
• Over or under
• responsible laid back
• liking order casual
• needing space needing closeness
• liking company preferring smaller groups

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Human Development and Training institute of
NZ www.hdandtinstitute.co.nz Institute for Imago
Relationship Therapy co-founded by Harville
Hendrix and Helen hunt www.relationships.co.nz sh
arlene.wong_at_pgfnz.org.nz

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www.pgfnz.org.nz www.problem-gambling.info