Success with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense

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Success with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense

• Diffusing Conflict by Reflecting Peace.
• Tom Lutz

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Reality Check

• On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself for
• Energy
• Commitment
• Raise the power of self observation

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The brain is a wonderful organit starts working
the moment youget up in the morningand doesnt
stopuntil you get to work.

• Robert Frost

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What we will learn today

• Build structure and reason around what you either
  know, or have intuitively felt about conflict.
• Understand conflict and conflict mode from both
  Kilmann-Thomas and Satir
• Give you some strategies for dealing with
  conflict on line.

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Describe the Physical Signs of Conflict

• Voice
• Volume
• Inflection
• Tone
• Body Language
• Word choice
• Defensive - Accusatory
• Non-defensive

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What do we know about Thomas-Kilmann?

• Researching Conflict since the 1970s
• Developed a Grid which describes conflict
  modes
• Cooperative versus Assertive behavior
• T-K require we understand our mode, the mode of
  others, and how they might interact.

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Conflict Management Style
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Time out for

• Thomas-Kilmann conflict mode instrument..

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Conflict Management Style
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Thomas-Kilmann the Five Conflict Handling Modes

• Avoiding
• Unassertive/uncooperative
• Competing
• Assertive/uncooperative
• Accommodating
• Cooperative/unassertive
• Compromising
• Moderately assertive/Moderately cooperative
• Collaborating
• Cooperative/assertive

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Lets move on.

• to Virginia Satir
• A family therapist

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What do we know about Satir Modes?

• Virginia Satir discovered that when people are
  involved in confrontations - a.k.a.- non-casual
  language interactions, our language behavior
  falls into one of five consistent modes.
• The greater the stress the more we tend to select
  the mode we are most comfortable with.

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Three types of Satir Mode choices

• 1. That triggered by severe crisis (e.g. a trip
  to E.R.) the person is locked into a preferred
  mode. The choice is made below the level of
  conscious awareness.
• 2. Choice made naively due to being over-powered
  or the feeling of a mismatch.
• 3. A Strategic Choice, an informed or skilled
  choice based on knowledge.

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The Five Satir Modes

• Blaming
• Placating
• Computing
• Distracting
• Leveling

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Blaming

• Just what it saysattacking a source outside
  ones self.
• Characterized by distinct verbal and body
  language
• Voice volume, pitch and tone are HIGH
• Selection of wordsmostly you
• Body languageyou get the drift

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Placating

• Much like Blaming with voice being loud, high
  and staccato-like
• Like Blaming, uses you frequently
• BUT, is sarcastically AGREEING
• Uses capitulation as a tactic to foster
  blaming(may be perceived as safer)

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Computing

• Youll know it when you hear it
• Does NOT use YOU
• Blames a third party for safety
• VOICEtone, pitch and volume are subdued
• Body language is subdued
• Participates in the discussion, but not the
  argument..
• Over the long run is inefficient

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Distracting

• This person either does not know how to argue,
  OR is not sure which side to blame, OR is
  frightened for ones safety.
• Is Blaming, Placating and Computing
• Voice, body and words similar to Blaming
• Distracting mode aggravates people who like to
  arguerather than being safe (as perceived) it is
  risky.

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Leveling

• It is the truth as the speaker knows it.
• Spoken with skillful language in a
  non-confrontational manner.
• Leveling is the most efficient mode
• Characterized by
• Voicelow volume, pitch and tone
• LITTLE use of the word you
• Body language is warmnot threatening

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Satir Mode choiceNaïve

• Blaming Act like you have power feel like you
  are powerless.
• Placating Act like you dont care feel like you
  care very deeply.
• Computing Act like you have no emotions feel
  like you have too many emotions.
• Distracting Act like you have to say everything
  feel like you have nothing to say.
• Leveling All three channels match inner
  feelings, words, body language.

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What happensWhen you match modes?

• Blaming at someone who is Blaming creates a
  confrontation - ALWAYS
• Placating at someone who is Placating creates an
  undignified delay
• Computing at someone who is Computing creates a
  dignified delay
• Distracting at someone who is Distracting is
  panic feeding paniccreates more panic

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.and finally

• Leveling with someone who is leveling is the
  simple truth going in both directions

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Feeding the loop

• Rule Anything you feed will grow
• If you want to escalate the mode coming at
  youmatch the mode
• If you dont recognize the mode coming at youuse
  computing mode until you know...

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Millers Law

• In order to understand what another person is
  saying, you must assume that it is true, and try
  to imagine what it could be true of. (Usually we
  are thinking the opposite it is not true, and
  what is wrong.)

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And finallySensory Language

• Words that describe the senses such as touch,
  hearing, sight, and to a lesser extent smell and
  taste.
• To give affirmation to a sensory speaker, you
  should match their sensory words.
• To ignore their sensory mode is to refute their
  message.
• Be careful of those who are touch dominant.

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Being a PEACEMAKER

• SummarizingLet me understand what you are
  saying.
• Use neutral words (leveling vs. blaming)
• Checking In Reality vs. Imagination
• Testing for agreement Would you agree that
• Ask open ended questions.
• Restate a negative to make it more positive

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More peacemaking

• Praise and encourage. Thanks for the input
• Validate issues and feelings (Use I messages)
• Use clear (leveling) language
• Dont interrupt.
• Let them ventwithin reason.
• Focus on issues not people.
• People want you to LISTEN

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Thank You

• Your Questions Please