Communication Skills

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Communication Skills

• SM 06 Pastoral Care Ministry

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Listening Skills 1

• He who answers before listening that is his
  folly and his shame. Proverbs 1813 NIV
• A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but
  delights in airing his own opinions. Proverbs
  182 NIV
• Reckless words pierce like a sword but the
  tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs
  1218 NIV
• The purposes of a mans heart are deep waters
  but a man of understanding draws them out.
  Proverbs 205 NIV

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Why Develop Good Interpersonal Skills for
Ministry

• Alban Institute research indicates that over
  seventy-five percent of the skill training
  required in handling critical incidents was in
  the areas of general human relations and
  interpersonal conflict. . . . The ability to
  build maintain and repair interpersonal
  relationships was the crucial foundational skill
  needed. (Roy M. Oswald Crossing the Boundary
  Between Seminary and Parish p.10)

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• Under the category Skills for Ministry the
  following four items raised the most problems
• Handling conflicts constructively
• Setting appropriate limits
• Encouraging participation
• Expressing oneself orally (congruence in content
  and expression
• Roy M. Oswald Crossing the Boundary..

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• Without exception the graduates indicated their
  surprise at the frequency with which they were
  called upon to deal with conflictual situations.
• From one perspective the ability to function
  effectively in parish life requires a high degree
  of skill in dealing with tension difference
  anger frustration and conflict. Handling the
  tensions between ones personal and family time
  and the demands of the parish is only a starter.
  Contained within every parish are differences
  among the membership as to the direction of the
  parish the style and type of worship the
  acceptable theology the norms that govern its
  corporate life and priorities on the ministers
  time. The pastor is caught in the middle.
• Personal style in handling these conflicts
  will by and large determine a ministers
  effectiveness.
• Roy M. Oswald Crossing the Boundary..

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• Over two thirds of the ministers time is
  spent on interpersonal relations. Unfortunately
  an attitude against acquiring interpersonal
  skills during the preparation years of their
  profession is also shared. During their training
  most seminarians concentrated on mastery of
  theory and concept assuming that interpersonal
  skills would be acquired in practice.
  Effectiveness as a pastor depends more heavily on
  these skills interpersonal conflict
  management than any others a minister may
  acquire.
• Roy M. Oswald Crossing the Boundary.

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Hearing vs. Listening

• A tape recorder hears but it does not listen.
• Hearing a physiological process involving
  auditory sensations and sensory perception.
• Listening hearing understanding of meaning
  - waiting in suspense - taking anot
  knowing stance - discovery of meaning.

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Communication BlockersRobert Bolton People
Skills (NY Touchstone/Simon Schuster 1979)
14-26.
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THE DIRTY DOZEN 1Robert Bolton People Skills
(NY Touchstone/Simon Schuster 1979).
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THE DIRTY DOZEN 2Robert Bolton People Skills
(NY Touchstone/Simon Schuster 1979).
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THE DIRTY DOZEN 3Robert Bolton People Skills
(NY Touchstone/Simon Schuster 1979).
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Listening Skills 2

• Attending Skills
• Following Skills
• Reflecting Skills

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Attending Skills

• S O L E R
• Squarely Facing
• Open Posture
• Leaning Slightly Forward
• Eye Contact
• Relaxed Position
• Gerald Egan The Skilled Helper 3rd ed. (CA
  Brooks/Cole 1986) 76-77.

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Following Skills Bolton

• Door Openers
• Minimal Encouragers
• Infrequent Questions
• Attentive Silence

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Reflecting Skills Bolton

• Paraphrasing
• Reflecting Feelings
• Reflecting Meanings
• Summative Reflections

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Content of Statements

• FEAT
• Feelings
• Experiences
• Actions
• Thoughts

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Communication Learning Contract

• On page 9 of the syllabus after prayerfully
  considering your communication skill needs
• Circle ONE barrier
• Circle TWO listening skills making sure that
  both are NOT in the same cluster.
• Record selections on page 8
• Turn page 9 in to the professor now

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Listening Skills 1

• He who answers before listening that is his
  folly and his shame. Proverbs 1813 NIV
• A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but
  delights in airing his own opinions. Proverbs
  182 NIV
• Reckless words pierce like a sword but the
  tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs
  1218 NIV
• The purposes of a mans heart are deep waters
  but a man of understanding draws them out.
  Proverbs 205 NIV

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Assertion in Communication

• Passive you only approach.
• Aggressive me only approach.
• Assertive you and me approach.
• All three approaches have their appropriate uses.

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The Three-Part Assertion Message

• Nonjudgmental description of the behavior
• Disclosure of your feelings
• Statement of the effect on your life
• Behavior Feelings Effects Assertion

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• When you dont clean the counter after making
  snacks I feel very annoyed because it makes more
  work for me.
• When you do not return the van keys on time I
  feel frustrated because I then have to make
  alternative arrangements for a rental car which
  in turn cuts into our budget.
• When the Wednesday evening service goes beyond
  800 I feel frustrated because we can not get in
  a full choir rehearsal for the upcoming cantata.

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The Assertion Process

• Send 3-part message
• Re-send same message
• Re-send message
• Reach a solution

• Actively listen - reflective listening response
• Actively listen respond with understanding
• Actively listen
• Tip Seek first to understand then to be
  understood.

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• Remember and practice the wisdom of Proverbs 151
• A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh
  word stirs up anger.

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Low Defensiveness High