Abandoning brokenness

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From the forward

• He abandoned me I was often heard to say for
  eleven Long years, I was convinced that God had
  abandoned me and that He did not care, in the
  least bit about me. I decided that I did not even
  want to go to heaven, why would I want to spend
  eternity with someone who obviously hated me.

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• He loves me I felt so overjoyed, To realize that
  the God I believed thought no more of me then
  annoyed. Really does want so much more for me.
  Though His desire was to be comforting, He
  allowed me to enter my darkest day Even knowing
  how Id turn away And shake my weakened angry
  fist, At the God who wants my pains to lift. In
  tears, He watched me in my pain, as I found no
  joy in life to gain. He sat aside so patiently
  Until the Day when I would see, the shackles that
  bound my life, could finally lie broken and rise
  to be A mountain of chains set near his nail
  scarred feet.

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• For too many people, God is hidden, He may be
  real, and they might earnestly love Him but it
  seems like He is absent or distant So much of
  the time, especially when difficult times come,
  He feels like the hidden God. I believe God
  wants to be Abba Father to us (intimate) He
  wants more than a passing acquaintance type of
  relationship. This book is about my journey of
  brokenness to healing, despair to delight,
  trouble to triumph, and from a lifetime of
  rejection to a revitalized relationship with the
  creator of the entire Universe.

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• In this story, you will follow a man in His
  Journey to rebuild hope to find new direction and
  dreams, From the embers of a destroyed life. Each
  chapter is divided into three parts
  relationship, in which I share my experience,
  in free form writing, this is followed by a short
  devotional, and finally each chapter is resolved
  in reflection which shares practical advice
  through research on subjects ranging from
  depression and stress management to resilience,
  crises and the process of reestablishing trust.

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• My first realization upon waking up in the
  hospital bed was that I could not move my left
  hand or arm. Terror struck my heart as the
  biggest fear of my life was realized.(losing the
  use of my Dominant hand)Like Job said For my
  sighing cometh before I eat and my roarings are
  poured out like the waters. For the thing, which
  I greatly feared, is come upon me, and that which
  I was afraid of, is come unto me. (Job 324-325)
  At 37 years old, I had experienced a massive
  stroke. (An excerpt from the Introduction) this
  is a book about the reestablishment of faith and
  trust in God after major Crises. The reader will
  encounter thoughts, about the patient Love of God.

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1. The master gardener

• I built a dream, from the embers of past pain
• a dream of being loved, holding a Child of my
  name Every waking moment I basked in
  the warmth of the hope of finding true Love.
  Then Bitter tears forced surrender of
  compassion from the sun.
• About my walls a stalwart army then lay,
  An Emotionless troop, determined to
  stay.
• With vengeful passion, they set up their
  camps. Protecting me, daring pain my way to
  tramp
• Resolutely, I determined that I would never be,
  an open heart where love could er be seen
• My heart would be an enclosed Garden With strong
  walls, built of iron and clay.
• I now lay safe with my army, as strong walls
  guarded the way.
• Yet With time, weeds came to grow, as angry
  thorns sprouted, Laughed, then played.
• Still the master gardener knew of a certainty
  that the garden would die if left untended this
  day.
• Thus he allowed within, a thief, through a hidden
  gate. The thief now at home camping
  near to the fountain I had hidden to keep safe
  Often from its cool water The thief came to
  drink,
• yet As time passed, the thief came to see, the
  walls as a prison needing to break free
• Thus with hammer in hand to my walls the thief
  ran, Striking with glee, my walls left a
  burning shambles,
• my army in the wake, My heart then unshackled
  free to Whomever might care come to stay. The
  master then smiled all was now well, without
  Strong walls made bitter by clay.

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Second half to the master gardener Poem

• The second half of the poem came the next morning
  upon waking up. It was a response to a vision
  described in the section of Poetry.
• Once more my heart now a garden,
  a place of beauty and grace,
  Where flowers grace pathways
  where birds love to play, In the center, a
  fountain stands open today. A fountain once
  hidden bids others its way Death no longer
  dwells here no shadows hide the day I
  thought myself now open endangered by all
  Afraid with no bulwark to hold back my
  fall. But then my eyes opened amazed by what
  I saw,
  
  A beautiful new wall surrounded what lays in
  defeat. A wall with no shadow to hinder or
  grieve A wall, clear like glass, so others
  could see, The garden unhindered by bitter
  defeat. This wall made by love with wisdom
  and grace. The gate is my master, protecting
  the way, and only those enter he brings my
  way He knows I am lonely, his plans only he
  can say. In my spirit, I am seeing one enter
  the gate
  
  One he has let enter, I know not
  what to say, I must now make ready we may
  meet today.

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Chapter 4 eyes on the horizon

• The best advice given to me was from a speech
  therapist who, while I was still full time in a
  rehab trying to learn to cope with my loss such
  as relearning how to balance and gage distance
  with faulty depth perception to the left side of
  my body. Since all muscle, groups and nerves on
  the left side of my body had been severely
  affected I had to meet daily with the speech
  therapist. She helped me rebuild the strength in
  my vocal chords and facial muscles. One of the
  first things she told me was, Rick, youll never
  be exactly what you were before the stroke, the
  Question for you now, is what you will be? She
  helped me focus on a new goal in life.

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Quiet contemplation

• for I know the thoughts that I think toward you,
  saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of
  evil, to give you an expected end.( Jer 2911)
  
  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart and lean
  not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways
  acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths..
  (Pro 35,6)
• One day, I felt God nudge my heart to go down to
  the beach. I love to pray while Im at the beach.
  I think I get better reception there or
  something. As I pulled in, God spoke to me,
  telling me to carry my camera with me. I have a
  Nikon DSLR with interchangeable lenses so I
  picked up the camera and brought it with me.
  After awhile I started snapping Random shots of
  everything (new camera), I looked out at the
  water and saw a boat at a distance so I raised
  the camera to take a shot. Immediately the boat
  disappeared. I pulled the camera down and looked
  out again there was the boat in plain view. I
  raised the camera looking through the viewfinder
  and again the boat disappeared I tried about 6
  times, each time the boat was gone. this felt
  very strange, when suddenly I realized the camera
  was set to Auto focus and its limited sensors
  were focusing  on the nearby Water causing the
  boat to disappear. God then spoke to my heart and
  said youre just like this camera, your limited
  sight can only see what is immediately around
  you, but my infinitely better eyes can see way
  out beyond you to what is out on the horizon.
  Its only when you trust me to focus your vision
  that you can see what I see.

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Graphics from Quiet contemplation
What the camera saw
what I saw
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3. a. Reconstruction rebuilding your trust in
God after devastation

• A marathon Runner once told me that a person does
  not just wake up one morning and decide to run in
  a marathon. They start small, months even years
  in advance and slowly increase their speed and
  distance. Yet so many of us expect to, just
  suddenly grasp a strong relationship with the
  Lord, I remember as a kid believing that If I
  could just receive the Baptism in the Holy
  Spirit, that there after I would be a perfect
  Christian( it doesnt work that way, sorry to
  disappoint you.). It might be easy to say, I
  trust the Lord until your faith is put to the
  test. For me, at first I discovered mistrust
  because of the Stroke I survived. I did not
  identify the mistrust for eleven years after the
  stroke. Even Though God had brought me through
  the darkest hours of my life and I was confident
  that God had some kind of purpose for my life.
  Yet a part of me remained reserved, thinking that
  If he allowed me to go through the worst
  experience of my life once, then in all
  likelihood He would have no problem putting me
  through something else.

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b. Crisis and Resilience

• When we hear the word, Crisis, different
  pictures come to mind for different people some
  may think immediately of war or civil unrest in
  developing nations. Some people think of major
  Issues, like the energy crisis. Still others
  think of Economic distress. Then some individuals
  bring it closer to home to personal issues like
  job loss, death, or illness of a loved one,
  middle age crisis, or growing up situations like
  puberty and empty nest syndrome.

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Final notes

• just for those curious, the music is a piece I
  wrote and recorded before my stroke,
  unfortunately Its one I still havent fully
  figured out. Some parts I remember but I still
  cant play most of this one, Im praying that one
  day God will enable me to play it, although there
  is a lot I would change in it. Well truth is
  Miracles still happen. If youll just trust God

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In the hospital after the stroke recieving a
breathing treatment
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In Rehab1998 being visited by my Parents ( my
Father passed away10/06)
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Lost in Indianapolis while on Tour 1990 hey cut
me a break that was 20 years ago
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Recent photo 12/10
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Update current status

• I am so blessed currently in the last year since
  12/09 Ive lost 70 lbs and 12 inches.
• I graduate from Kaplan University 08/06/11 . God
  has given me new dreams and goals while healing
  the deep emotional scars of my past. I AM
  BLESSED!
• All Rights reserved, Copyright, Richard L.
  Spooner 2011