Dealing with Difficult Parents in the Provision of Behavior Analysis Services: Tips, Techniques, and

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Dealing with Difficult Parents in the Provision
of Behavior Analysis Services Tips, Techniques,
and Strategies
Behavior Works
Corp.
Nicole B. Cuomo, Ed. S., CBA/e/fl, BCBA Behavior
Works Corporation WWW.behaviorworks.cc (321)
543-6729
Behavior Analysis Across Milieus - Gainesville,
FL October 27, 2000
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Characteristics of Difficult Parents
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Noteworthy Quotes

• Educators (and behavior analysts) should keep in
  mind that parents with problem children are not
  necessarily problem parents. They do not
  necessarily need personal counseling. The
  majority are normal persons who are responding in
  a normal manner to unanticipated trauma. Walker
  and Shea - 1995

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• We can no longer take a child from a system which
  is disturbed, attempt to fix the child, place the
  child back into the unchanged system, and call it
  satisfactory treatment. Instead, we must attempt
  to increase the fit between the child and others
  in the systems in which the child lives and
  interacts. Rhodes - 1970

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• The child is seen as an elicitor of parent
  behaviors and as responding in ways which may
  serve to positively or negatively reinforce
  parent behavior, or to extinguish or punish it.
  Anderson - 1981

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• Parents are likely to respond to high frequency
  or intense behaviors by increasing their efforts
  at control which often elicits the childs
  control behaviors, which escalates and creates a
  negative behavioral circle. Walker and Shea -
  1995

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Active Listening
• Blend
• Back-track
• Clarify
• Summarize
• Confirm

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Identify Positive Intent
• Relate it to goal
• of difficult
• parent

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Identify Highly-Valued
• Criteria
• Reasons why they are
• for or against action
• or plan

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Monitor your
• tone of voice
• Make sure its consistent with your verbal message
• If not, state reason

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• State your positive intent to avoid
  misunderstanding
• State purpose of what you want to do and why you
  are telling them

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Tactfully interrupt
• Repeat their name over and over until you get
  their attention
• Distracts and creates curiosity for parent

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Tell YOUR truth
• Be specific examples
• Use I language
• Show what lost due to their behavior
• Suggest new options
• Try Yes, AND

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Stay flexible and be ready to listen again and
  start process over if they become defensive or
  lose focus

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Appreciate criticism
• Dont defend, explain, or justify your behavior
• Hear them out
• Thank them for communicating
• Defuses criticism

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Using Verbal and Nonverbal Cues to Improve
Interactions

• Use Pygmalion Power
• Reinforces associations to the behaviors you want
  them to use and minimizes defensiveness
• Thats not like you! You care about how Angie
  behaves at school
• Thats one of the things I like about you. You
  consistently enforce consequences for Jamies
  behavior
• Assuming the best in your parents may just being
  it out!!

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Temperament Survey
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Four Major Profiles of Difficult-To-Work-With
Parents
Task Focus
Perfectionist
Controlling
Get it Right
Get it Done
Normal Zone
Passive
Aggressive
Get Along
Get Attention
Approval Seeking
Attention Seeking
People Focus
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The Perfectionist Parent
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Perfectionist Parent

• Want to get it right
• Want perfection in everything and when thwarted,
  points out everything that can and will go wrong
• Passive criticism and hopelessness
• Negativity undermines others intents
• Over-generalizes minor incidents
• History of disappointments leads to despair

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Perfectionist (continued)

• Complains, but never offers solutions
• Sometimes incapable of seeing what could and
  should be done
• Sees attempts to help as futile, since others
  attempts havent been useful in solving the
  problem

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How to Help the Perfectionist

• Focus on changing from criticism to
  problem-solving
• Dont agree/disagree with complaints
• Dont try to solve their problem for them
• Allow negativity, in fact, go for the Polarity
  Response and playfully exaggerate it
• Dont force them to comply before they are
  willing to commit to new plan of action themselves

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Helping (continued)

• Use them as an early warning system for finding
  faults in your behavior plan
• Acknowledge their good intent by acting as if
  their negative feedback is helpful to you, with
  their high standards and concern for details
• Write down main points of complaint
• Listen, back-track, and clarify vague complaints
• Interrupt and ask for their help, using
  questioning for specific information

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Helping (continued)

• If needed, suggest that they gather more
  information and report back to you
• Shirt towards solutions by asking them what they
  want
• If unsure of what they want, guess and look
  expectantly at them
• If unreasonable wants, do reality check and
  redirect towards more reasonable wants
• Shift focus to future with focus on
  data-collection
• Congratulate them when the plan is working and
  restate their positive intent

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The Controlling Parent
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Controlling Parent

• Want to get it done
• Aggressively tries to get you out of the picture
• Targets different ideas or their being thwarted
  as the problem
• Verbally attacks or insults others
• Rude and sarcastic, both verbally and nonverbally
• Get your blood pressure up just thinking about
  the next session
• Dont really care about others feelings in their
  effort to get it done

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Helping the Controlling Parent

• Do not counterattack
• Do not defend, explain, or justify your position
• Do not withdraw
• Show confidence, amused curiosity, patience and
  self-control.

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Helping the Controlling Parent

• Remain calm, cool, and collected
• Think I am rubber and you are glue, anything you
  say bounces off me and sticks to ___
• Try to obtain their respect by signaling that you
  are prepared, strong and capable of holding your
  ground.
• Pause, look directly at them and focus on slowing
  your breathing
• Show attitude that their attacks are stopping
  progress towards goal

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Helping (continued)

• In the middle of verbal assault, tactfully
  interrupt by saying their name over and over
• If its just one snide remark, stop in
  mid-sentence and ask one of the following with a
  very curious, neutral, innocent look
• When you say that, what are you really trying to
  say?
• What does that have to do with this?
• Redirect using these questions as needed

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Helping (continued)

• If parent denies hidden agenda, guess and suggest
  it to them and watch for reaction
• Preface your guess by saying I dont know what
  is going on, but or I am just guessing here
• When agenda comes out, listen fully and clarify
  until understood, and thank them.
• Address issue objectively and act and suggest a
  different plan of action for future issues

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Helping (continued)

• Blend and back-track to the main point and state
  your side using I words (From my point of
  view)
• Use We words with someone who thinks that they
  know it all (Since we have no time for or
  Since we cant make too many changes)

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Helping (continued)

• Consider presenting your views using terms such
  as maybe, perhaps or bear with me a moment
• Consider posing your point as questions and
  addressing them as a mentor for understanding
  their child
• Allow them the last word on your terms (When you
  are ready to talk to me with respect or When I
  am through discussing this plan with you)

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The Attention-Seeking Parent
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Attention-Seeking Parent

• Wants to get others attention
• Often exaggerate or over-generalize their
  position
• Push their way into conversations
• Others attack, ignore, or ridicule them which
  worsens their behavior
• May erupt into full-blown temper-tantrum, set off
  by a tone of voice, a look, etc.
• Often leave the scene and hope no hard feelings
  about their behavior

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Helping the Attention-Seeking Parent

• Stay calm and monitor your breathing, use silly
  imagery (toddler)
• Dont try to highlight exaggerations
• Get their attention by calling their name
  repeatedly, raising the volume of your voice, and
  waving your hands in front in a friendly manner
• Enthusiastically back-track, acknowledge their
  concern, and positive intent (Thank you for your
  contribution

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Helping (continued)

• Validate their complaint by aiming towards their
  feelings (I dont want you to feel that way or
  Theres a misunderstanding here)
• Once you restate their concern area (lack of
  appreciation), watch for changes in body language
  and then lower your voice
• Address generalizations through innocently and
  curiously posed clarification questions
  (Everybody ? Who, Always ? When)

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Helping (continued)

• Redirect to topic using I language and factual
  information (The way I heard it)
• Give them a way out (Maybe you were in another
  room when it was said) or use the Junk OLogic
  advertising principle (Im really glad you
  brought that up, it really highlights _____ ?your
  position).

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Helping (continued)

• If needed, give both of you a break (10 minutes,
  1 hour, etc.) to allow person to calm down if not
  thinking rationally
• Ask person what happened to make them angry and
  get specific to look for skill deficits, then ask
  person how you can support them if they lost
  their temper in the future
• Give credit when due for improved behavior

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The Approval-Seeking Parent
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Approval-Seeking Parent

• Wants to get along with others
• Commits to doing things that they have no
  intention of doing or puts off due to downside of
  actions
• Truly nice people who feel terrible about it
• Offers excuses and explanations
• Usually disorganized lack decision-making
  skills
• Frustrates others by their inaction

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Helping the Approval-Seeking Parent

• Dont get visibly angry with them
• Try to get commitments that you can count on and
  to make decisions
• Teach them organization and problem-solving
  skills
• Make is safe and honest, by appealing to your
  relationship with them in a friendly way and
  stating their positive intent

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Helping (continued)

• Talk honestly to obtain true feelings and beliefs
  about the issue
• Explore all choices and their downsides
• If you hear probably, I think so and other
  wishy-washy words, dig deeper for more
  clarification
• Thank them for their honesty and effort

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Helping (continued)

• Help them learn to plan ahead or to make
  decisions, focusing on the past event that
  impacted you both as a worksheet.
• Emphasize unused options (asking for help, etc.)
  and reliability as signs of team work
• Teach problem-solving skills and have them write
  steps down as they go through it

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Helping (continued)

• Obtain commitment and make sure its done
• Ask them for their word of honor, to summarize
  their commitment, to write it down, to identify
  an odd deadline 1043, and describe negative
  consequences pertaining how others may feel if
  let down
• Specifically praise using facts, consequences,
  restate positive intent, and your expectation of
  this behavior in the future

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References

• Brinkman, Rick Kirschner, Rick (1994). Dealing
  with People You Cant Stand How to Bring Out
  the Best in People at their Worst. McGraw-Hill,
  NY.
• Coleman, Margaret, C. (1996). Emotional and
  Behavioral Disorders Theory and Practice. Allyn
  Bacon, MA.
• Kazdin, Alan, E. (1989). Behavior Modification
  in Applied Settings 4th Edition. Brooks-Cole
  Publishing, CA

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References, continued

• Sheridan, Susan, M. (2000). Considerations of
  Multiculturalism and Diversity in Behavioral
  Consultation with Parents and Teachers. School
  Psychology Review, Vol 29, 3. Pgs 344-353.
• Ury, William (1993). Getting Past No
  Negotiating Your Way from Confrontation to
  Cooperation. Bantam Books, NY.
• Ury, William (1991). Getting to Yes Negotiating
  Agreement without Giving In. Penguin Books.
• Walker, James, W. Shea Thomas, M. (1991).
  Behavior Management A Practical Approach for
  Educators 6th Edition. Prentice-Hall, NJ.