Revision

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Revision

Revision means re-seeing.
It asks us to look again.
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Revisers see their writing from a broad
perspective.
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And in terms of detail.
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Revisers see their work from a readers
perspective.
They convey the whole picture.
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Inexperienced revisers see their meaning clearly.

They feel the full pull and play of the action.
They understanding the complexity of the
argument. ...in their own minds
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However, their audience
may encounter the writing as unclear and
unfocused,
or as a set of minimal and disconnected ideas.
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Without clarity of vision, some readers may
simply reconstruct meaning for themselves.
.
Or they may not read at all.
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Writer Based Prose
Discovery
Shaping Draft 2
Organizing Draft 4
Discovery Draft 1
Editing Draft 6
Gathering Draft 3
Limiting Draft 5
Product Draft 7
Reader Based Prose
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More Experienced WritersRevise to Reach Readers
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They Revise Globally
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They Are Concerned With Unity of Purpose

• Check purpose statement.
• Phrase the most important
• point in a working thesis.
• Cut everything that doesn't
• clearly relate to the central
• purpose.
•  

Thesis
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As a new draft emerges, revisers work on
developing points that relate to the main
idea. They may return to discovery
strategies, explore journalist questions, and
conduct further research.

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Global Revision

• Check Focus and Authority
• Create Effective Lead
• Consider Chosen Genre or Rhetorical Mode
• Check Organization
• Consider Pace and Proportion
• Develop Key Ideas
• Check in with Reader Perspective
• Check Voice and Tone
• Check for Effective Conclusion

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Check for Effective Lead

• Capture Reader Attention
• Focus Readers on the Subject
• Establish Expectations

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• My grandfather died when I was a small boy,
  and my grandmother started staying with us for
  about six months every year. She lived in a room
  that doubled as my fathers office, which we
  referred to as the back room. She carried with
  her a powerful aroma. I dont know what kind of
  perfume she used, but it was the double-barrel,
  ninety-proof, knock-down, render-the-victim-uncons
  cious, moose-killing variety. She kept it in a
  huge atomizer and applied it frequently and
  liberally. It was almost impossible to go into
  her room and remain breathing for any length of
  time. When she would leave the house to go spend
  six months with my Aunt Lillian, my mother and
  sisters would throw open all the windows, strip
  the bed, and take out the curtains and rugs. Then
  they would spend several days washing and airing
  things out, trying frantically to make the
  pungent odor go away.
• This, then, was my grandmother at the time
  of the infamous pea incident.
• FROM A Plate of Peas
  
  A story from
  NPRs National Story Project
• By Rick Beyer

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• Over the past three decades, organized sports
  for children have increased dramatically in the
  United States. And though many adults regard
  Little League Baseball and Peewee Football as a
  basic part of childhood, the games are not always
  joyous ones. When overzealous parents and coaches
  impose adult standards on childrens sports, the
  result can be activities that are neither
  satisfying nor beneficial to children.
• I am concerned about all organized sports
  activities for children between the ages of six
  and twelve. The damage I see results from
  non-contact as well as contact sports, from
  sports organized locally as well as those
  organized nationally. Highly organized
  competitive sports such as Peewee Football and
  Little league Baseball are too often played to
  adult standards, which are developmentally
  inappropriate for children and can be both
  physically and psychologically harmful.
  Furthermore, because they eliminate many children
  from organized sports before they are ready to
  compete, they are actually counterproductive for
  developing either future players or fans. Finally
  because they emphasize competition and winning,
  they unfortunately provide occasions for some
  parents and coaches to place their own fantasies
  and needs ahead of childrens welfare.
• Excerpted from Children Need to Play, Not
  Compete
• By Jessica Statsky
• As published in The St. Martins Guide to
  Writing

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Check Organization

• Create a Rough Outline of the Draft
• Consider Pace and Proportion
• Develop Key Ideas

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Check for Effective Conclusion

• Some Concluding Strategies
• Framing mirrors the style and/or continues the
  story begun in the lead
• Looping Back refers to story or character
• introduced in the lead
• Summarizing uses a transitional phrase to
  summarize
• the main idea and purpose of the essay. Avoids
• worn phrases like in conclusion, in
  summary, in closing
• Emphasizing employs a quotation or repeated
  element to bring home the main idea
• Issuing a call to action asks readers to act
• Pointing to the future prompts readers to
  think or study further

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Experienced Writers Also Revise Locally
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Revisers Make Every Word Count

• Some Syntax Revision Strategies
• Tighten
• Avoid Redundancy
• Choose Repetition
• Design Effective Sentences

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Tightening

• Tightening means
• cutting unnecessary words
• making every word work
• keeping it clear and simple

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Tightening Cutting Unnecessary Words
Look for the following empty words and phrases
when editing

• along the lines oflikeas a matter of factin
  factat all timesalwaysat the present
  timecurrentlyat this point in timenow
• because of the fact thatbecauseby means
  ofbyby virtue of the fact thatbecausedue to
  the fact thatbecausefor the purpose offorin
  light of the fact thatbecauseprior to, in
  anticipation ofbeforeuntil such time
  asuntilwith regard toabout

• for the reason thatbecausehave the ability
  to-be able toinform us of the fact thattellin
  the nature oflikein order totoin spite of the
  fact thatalthough, thoughin the event
  thatifin the final analysisfinallyin the
  neighborhood ofaboutin this world of
  todaytodayit is important that, it is necessary
  thatmuston the occasion ofwhen

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Strategies for Tightening

• One way to tighten is to combine several short
  sentences into one sentence. How might you
  combine the following sentences into one
  sentence?
• Last weekend I saw a science fiction film.  Three
  friends went with me.  The film focused on the
  experiments of a mad doctor.  He altered his
  patients' lives by manipulating their dreams. 
• (32 words)

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Tightening Combining Sentences

• Last weekend three friends and I saw a science
  fiction film in which a mad doctor altered his
  patients' lives by manipulating their dreams.(24
  words)

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TighteningMake Words Work

• Look for words that do not pull their own weight.
  
• Where possible, use verb forms instead of noun
  forms.

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Activity

• He is a man who is never on time.
• It is the breed of dog that is prone to hip
• problems.
• Defense counsel made an objection to the
• prosecution's question.
• The implementation of the plan was successful.

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Activity

• He is a man who is never on time.He is never on
  time.
• It is the breed of dog that is prone to hip
• problems.That breed of dog is prone to hip
  problems.Hip problems plague that breed.
• Defense counsel made an objection to the
• prosecution's question. Defense counsel objected
  to the prosecutions question.
• The implementation of the plan was
  successful.The plan was successfully
  implemented.The committee successfully
  implemented their plan.

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Tightening Eliminate Weak Verbs

• Reduce over-reliance on the to be verb forms.
• Fix these sentences by replacing to be verbs
  with active verbs.
• There were several boys on the team who got
  caught drinking and were kicked off.
• It is this kind of sentence that drives
  grammarians crazy.

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Tightening Eliminate Weak Verbs

• There were several boys on the team who got
  caught drinking and were kicked off by the
  coach.The coach kicked several boys off the
  team for drinking.
• It is this kind of sentence that drives
  grammarians crazy.
• This kind of sentence drives grammarians crazy.

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Tightening Make the Agent the Subject of the
Sentence

• Make these sentences active
• The decision to fire him was handed down
• by the committee.He was rejected.

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• Good
• The committee handed down the decision to
• fire him.
• Even better
• The committee decided to fire him.
• Good
• Simon rejected him, saying his music was lousy.

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Tightening Verbs, Nothing but the Verbs

• Always pick the most precise and accurate verb
  possible. Eliminate adverbs when possible.
• He ran down the street.He ran quickly/slowly
  down the street.
• He walked across the field.He walked
  quickly/slowly across the field.
• What verb might you use to replace ran
  quickly/slowly and walked quickly/slowly?

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Tightening Verbs, Nothing but the Verbs

• He ran quickly/slowly down the street.
• Fast sprinted, dashed, zoomed, galloped, flew,
  sped, raced
• Medium loped, cantered, skipped
• Slow jogged, trotted
• He walked quickly/slowly down the street.
• Examples trudged, strolled, promenaded., minced,
  slogged, paraded, marched, goose-stepped

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Tightening Present Participles

• Use present participles to modify a noun or
• pronoun
• Ignoring his sister, and stepping on one of my
• feet, Charles repeated his questions.
• She leaned forward attentively, listening to Saul
• Bird, trying to understand what he was saying.
• Honoring The Boss, R.E.M.s Michael Stipe sang
• his favorite Springsteen song at the concert.

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Activity

• Combine each of the following groups of short
  sentences into single sentences using present
  participles.
• He felt something in his blood.
• It warmed.
• It opened.
• It came to life in arrogant protestation.
• He turned up the driveway of his own house.
• He held on to the gate for support.

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• Combine each of the following groups of short
  sentences into single sentences using present
  participles.
• He felt something in his blood, warming,
  opening, coming to life in arrogant protestation.
• He turned up the driveway of his own house,
  holding onto the gate for support.

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Activity

• Compose a sentence of your own using a
• present participle. Beware, however, the
• dangling participle (i.e. a participle with no
• noun to modify or one that modifies the
• wrong noun).
• Bad Example Erasing the blackboards, the lights
• were turned off and the classroom locked.

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Tightening Past Participles

• A past participle is like the form of the verb
  that will fit in the slot, Often I have ____.
• Seated behind an elevated desk in the
  high-ceilinged courtroom, Judge Rothwax does not
  look at all pleased.
• Her eyes, lost in the fatty ridges of her face,
  looked like two pieces of coal pressed into a
  lump of dough.

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Activity

• Combine these sentences into one sentence using a
  past participle.It vanished.
• It was sucked into invisibility like a match
  flame.
• That highway over there is in good condition.
• It is over six hundred centuries old.
• Martians built it.

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• It vanished, sucked into invisibility like a
  match flame.
• That highway over there, built by Martians over
  six hundred years ago, is in good condition.

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Activity

• Create a sentence of your own using a past
  participle. Beware the dangling participle.
• Bad Example Dazed by their own success, the game
  was splendid display of school spirit.

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Tightening Nominative Absolutes

• A nominative absolute is a free modifier
  consisting of a noun plus either an adjective, a
  participle, or another noun in apposition.
• They sat together in the classroom, when they
  came to class, their arms folded, their eyes
  beady and undefeated.
• In the central parade ground sat General
  Pushkopf, his chest glittering.

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Activity

• Combine each of the following groups of short
  sentences into single sentences using nominative
  absolutes. It was old Ginny.
• Her hair was bound up in big purple rollers.
• Her nylons were rolled tightly around her knees.
• Mary Birke sat next to the pool.
• Her eyes were bloodshot.
• Her feet were dangling in the water.

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• It was old Ginny, hair bound up in big purple
  rollers, nylons rolled tightly around her knees.
• Eyes bloodshot, feet dangling in the water, Mary
  Birke sat next to the pool.
• Now, create your own sentence using nominative
  absolutes.

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Tightening Appositives

• An appositive is a noun or noun phrase that
  parenthetically re-names another noun (or
  pronoun) in a sentence.
• There they were in the flesh, the Rolling Stones,
  ultimate personification of all our notions and
  fantasies and hopes for rock and roll.
• The manager, a thin laconic Frenchman, came to
  meet her.

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Activity

• Combine each of the following groups of short
  sentences into single sentences using
  appositives.
• The busboy cleared the table.
• He was a clumsy, unkempt freshman.
• This was none other than Alunia Alunosna.
• This was the shopkeepers daughter.
• This was a prostitute with a look of exultation
  on her timid face.

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• The busboy, a clumsy, unkempt freshman, cleared
  the table.
• This was none other than Alunia Alunosna, the
  shopkeepers daughter, a prostitute with a look
  of exultation on her timid face.
• Compose a sentence of your own using an
  appositive.

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Tightening Eliminate Redundancy

Check for repeated words, phrases, or ideas.
Redundancy is bad. Repetition is good.
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Repetition is Often the Product of Generalization
I had to get to my tournament. I went to my
tournament and ended up qualifying first. That
just made the day so much better than what it
already was. I was the top qualifier. Anon.
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• Finishing as the tournaments top qualifier
• ended my day on a high note.
• (13 words)

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Weak Repetition May Signal a Need to Develop with
Specifics

• I had to get to my tournament. I went to my
  tournament and ended up qualifying first. That
  just made the day so much better than what it
  already was. I was the top qualifier.
• Revised
• The ball sailed from the tee. Hooking slightly
  left, just as Id planned, it landed beyond the
  flag, bounced once, and rolled the two inches
  back into the eighteenth hole.
• Finishing as the tournaments top qualifier ended
  my day on a high note.

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Weak Repetition May Signal a Need to Tighten for
Clarity

• Activity This paragraph contains many
• unnecessary words. How might you revise it?

Juliet and Rosalind are women who fall in love. 
This is one of the few similarities between these
two characters.  They are different in age, with
Juliet being an impetuous adolescent and Rosalind
being a mature adult.  This difference is
illustrated by the manner in which each character
falls in love.  Juliet rushes into romance and
gets married as quickly as possible while
Rosalind makes sure of her love for Orlando--a
much more rational and logical choice than
Juliet's. (80 words)
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• One of the few similarities between Juliet and
  Rosalind is that they both fall in love but
  Juliet rushes into romance while Rosalind makes
  sure of her love for Orlando.  Juliet is an
  impetuous adolescent Rosalind is a mature adult.
• (39 words)

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Repetition Can Be Boring

• The rooms used for the birthing process of
  yesteryear sure do differ from the rooms of
  today. According to my mother there were actually
  two different rooms in which she had to be in,
  compared to the one combination, labor and
  delivery rooms of today. One room consisting of a
  bed, an end table and a couple of chairs was used
  for the labor process. The purpose of this room
  was for the dilation or opening of the cervix to
  8 centimeters and then being transported to a
  delivery room where upon reaching 10 centimeters
  the child is born. The delivery room in which I
  was born was brightly lit and had several
  delivery tables, several chairs and a mirror.
• Anon
• (130 words)

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• According to my mother, the delivery rooms of
  yesteryear sure do differ from modern birthing
  accommodations. In her day, the expectant woman
  labored on a hospital bed in a semi-private area.
  Upon dilating, nurses transferred her to a thinly
  covered metal table in a brightly lit, surgically
  sterile delivery room.
• (50 words)

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Revisers Pay Attention To Repetition

• Use Repetition
• Consciously
• Rather than Unconsciously

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Repetition Can Strengthen Writing

• Persuade
• Create Rhythm
• Emphasize

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• I have a dream that one day this nation will rise
  up and live out the true meaning of its creed
  "We hold these truths to be self-evident that
  all men are created equal." I have a dream that
  one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of
  former slaves and the sons of former slave owners
  will be able to sit down together at a table of
  brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the
  state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering
  with the heat of injustice and oppression, will
  be transformed into an oasis of freedom and
  justice. I have a dream that my four children
  will one day live in a nation where they will not
  be judged by the color of their skin but by the
  content of their character. I have a dream today.
  
• I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama,
  whose governor's lips are presently dripping with
  the words of interposition and nullification,
  will be transformed into a situation where little
  black boys and black girls will be able to join
  hands with little white boys and white girls and
  walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a
  dream today. I have a dream that one day every
  valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain
  shall be made low, the rough places will be made
  plain, and the crooked places will be made
  straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be
  revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.
  This is our hope.

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The Negro Speaks of Rivers (To W.E.B.DuBois)
poem by Langston Hughes

• Ive known rivers
• Ive known rivers ancient as the world and older
  than the
• flow of human blood in human veins.
• My soul has grown deep like the rivers.
• I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
• I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to
  sleep.
• I look upon the Nile and raised the pyramids
  above it.
• I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe
  Lincoln
• went down to new Orleans, and Ive seen its
  muddy
• bosom turn all golden in the sunset.
• Ive known rivers
• Ancient, dusky rivers.

• My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

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Whatever Your Purpose, Stay In Control of Your
Work
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Revisers Ask Deliberate Questions Make
Deliberate Choices.

• Does my writing have a clear sense of purpose?
• Is my style authentic and engaging?
• Is my information organized logically?
• Have I developed all my points and sub-points?
• Have I made every word work? Is my language
  precise and appropriate to the writing context?
• Are my sentences fluent, tight, and
  well-constructed?
• Have I engaged my reader?