Communication Skills

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Communication Skills

• Be assertive, but dont forget to listen!!

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Just how assertive are you?(Schedule for
Assessing Assertive Behavior - Spencer Rathus)

• 1. Most people seem more aggressive and assertive
  than I am.
• 2. I have hesitated to make or accept dates
  because of shyness.
• 3. When food served at a restaurant is not done
  to my satisfaction, I complain.
• 4. I avoid hurting other peoples feelings, even
  when I feel I have been harmed.
• 5. If a salesperson has gone to considerable
  trouble to show me merchandise that isnt quite
  suitable, I have a difficult time saying no.
• 6. When I am asked to do something, I insist on
  knowing why.
• 7. There are times when I look for a good,
  vigorous argument.
• 8. I strive to get ahead as much as most people
  in my position.
• 9. People often take advantage of me.

• 3 extremely descriptive
• 2 quite descriptive
• 1 somewhat descriptive
• -1 somewhat non-descriptive
• -2 quite non-descriptive
• -3 extremely non-descriptive

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• 10. I enjoy starting up conversations with new
  acquaintances and strangers.
• 11. I often dont know what to say to attractive
  persons of the opposite gender.
• 12. I will hesitate to make phone calls to
  businesses and institutions.
• 13. I would rather apply for jobs or schools by
  writing letters rather than going through
  personal interviews.
• 14. I find it embarrassing to return merchandise.
• 15. If a close and respected relative were
  annoying me, I would smother my feelings rather
  than express them.
• 16. I have avoided asking questions for fear of
  sounding stupid.
• 17. During an argument I am sometimes afraid that
  I will get so upset that I will shake all over.
• 18. If a famed and respected speaker makes a
  statement that I think is incorrect, I will have
  the audience hear my point of view.

• 3 extremely descriptive
• 2 quite descriptive
• 1 somewhat descriptive
• -1 somewhat non-descriptive
• -2 quite non-descriptive
• -3 extremely non-descriptive

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• 19. I avoid negotiating prices with clerks.
• 20. When I have done something important, I
  manage to let others know about it.
• 21. I am open and frank about my feelings.
• 22. If someone has been spreading false stories
  about me, I will see him/her as soon as possible
  for a talk.
• 23. I often have a hard time saying no.
• 24. I tend to bottle up my emotions rather than
  make a scene.
• 25. I complain about poor service in a restaurant
  and elsewhere.
• 26. When I am given a compliment, I sometimes
  just dont know what to say.
• 27. If a couple near me in a theater or lecture
  were talking loudly, I would ask them to be quiet
  or talk elsewhere.
• 28. Anyone attempting to push ahead of me in a
  line is in for a good battle.
• 29. I am quick to express an opinion.
• 30. There are times when I just cant say
  anything.

• 3 extremely descriptive
• 2 quite descriptive
• 1 somewhat descriptive
• -1 somewhat non-descriptive
• -2 quite non-descriptive
• -3 extremely non-descriptive

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Scoring the Rathus Scale

• Reverse the signs for 1, 2, 4, 5, 9, 11, 12, 13,
  14, 15, 16, 17, 19, 23, 24, 26, 30
• Total () scores and (-) scores
• Subtract (-) scores from () scores
• Range -90 ? 90
• High scores indicate assertiveness
• Low scores indicate non-assertiveness

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Key Definitions

• Assertive Behavior stating ones needs in a
  direct, non-threatening manner without demeaning
  others
• Passive / Non-Assertive Behavior inability to
  state ones needs
• Aggressive Behavior stating ones needs while,
  at the same time, demeaning others
• Passive Aggressive Behavior (Underhanders)
  demeaning others in an indirect, often socially
  acceptable manner

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3 Aspects of Assertive Behavior

• Expressing Statements
• Relationships / Interactions
• Non-Verbal Language

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Expressing Statements

• Making I statements
• Being aware of ones needs and wants
• Expressing needs and wants to others
• Owning ones ideas by
• making personal statements instead of asking
• shying away from quoting other sources
• Describing what one sees going on objectively
• Allowing others to refuse ones needs without
  laying on guilt

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Relationships / Interactions

• Being aware of whats going on by
• taking responsibility for ones own behavior
• taking some control over the direction the
  interaction takes
• Identifying and communicating game playing
• Stating how one feels
• Asking for confirmation or denial of others
  goals and intentions
• Choosing not to continue or respond if an
  interaction is contrary to ones goals and
  intentions

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Non-Verbal Language

• Eye contact direct and extended
• Hand movements for emphasis (well-timed)
• Smiling appropriately and naturally
• Head erect, facing and leaning in towards the
  other (open)
• Loud and clear voice
• Short sentences, with pauses to encourage
  response
• Physical placement

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Activity
Role playing assertive responses in
difficult situations
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The DESC Method ofGiving Negative Feedback

• Describe the situation as you see it (attitudes,
  behaviors, etc.)
• Express your feelings appropriately
• State what you would like to see happen
  alternatively
• Communicate the consequences if you dont see
  that happening

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Active Listening
this.
You sound ______ about
that.
angry
the other thing.
upset
worried
frustrated
depressed
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In contrast to...

• rationalizing - adding your reasons to the
  feelings
• questioning - motives and reasoning
• supporting - prematurely
• defending - other players
• judging - motives, reasoning or personality
• parroting - restating in exact manner

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Goals of Active Listening

• Clarify content of the message
• Verify any non-verbal messages
• Gather additional information
• Provide a genuinely personal response
• Promote problem solving behavior

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Other Listening and Responding Skills

• Ask questions to clarify content
• Use empathy to reflect and share feelings
• Provide encouragement and feedback
• Summarize content where appropriate

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And, when dealing with aggressive behavior...

• Play the broken record - repeat a neutral
  statement
• Shift gears - defer interaction to another time
• Take a timeout - mentally block or ignore the
  behavior
• Avoidance - walk away from aggression

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Always remember, when dealing with the other
gender, there are rules to follow

• Females always make the rules
• Rules are subject to change at any time
• No male can possibly know all the rules
• If a female suspects a male knows all the rules,
  she must immediately change some or all of the
  rules
• Females are never wrong
• If a female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
  misunderstanding, the direct result of something
  a male did or said wrong
• If the above applies, the male must immediately
  apologize

• Females can change their minds at any point in
  time
• Males must never change their minds without
  express, written consent from a female
• Females have every right to be angry or upset at
  any time
• Males must be calm at all times, unless a female
  desires them to be angry or upset
• Females must not, under any circumstances allow
  males to know when they are to be anything other
  than calm
• Any attempt to document the rules could result in
  bodily harm
• During PMS, all rules are null and void.

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Always remember, when dealing with the other
gender, there are rules to follow

• Ask for what you want, subtle hints wont work
• If the toilet seat is up, put it down
• Dont cut your hair ever
• Sometimes we are not thinking of you, live with
  it
• Get rid of your cat(s)
• Sunday Sports
• Anything you wear is fine really
• Wonder bras and low-cut blouses invite second
  looks, please dont complain
• You have too many shoes
• Crying is a form of blackmail

• Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers
• Headaches that last for 2 months are a problem,
  see a doctor
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
  how you want it done not both
• Anything said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an
  argument
• If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways,
  and one way makes you sad or angry, we meant the
  other
• Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do
  we
• Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to
  come out

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Activity
Esteeming Exercise by Gender
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According to John Gray,mens and womens love
needs are different

• Men
• trust
• acceptance / approval
• appreciation
• admiration
• encouragement

• Women
• caring
• understanding
• respect
• devotion
• validation
• reassurance