Children of Divorce

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Children of Divorce

• Parents as Partners in Child Counseling

Wairimu Wanjau, Kent State University
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Stats

• Divorces in the US 1/1000 Vs 50
• Age
• marriages

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More stats
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Some issues facing divorced families
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Custodial Support

• ORC 5101.312
• Ohio new hire reporting program

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Types of broken homes

• Separated
• Cohabitation broken up
• Divorced
• Visitation rights for non-custodial parent
• No visitation rights
• No contact
• Step families

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Step families

• Three types of step-parenting
• Primary parent
• Other parent
• Older friend

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Some influences to how children react to divorce

• Nature of parental divorce
• Intensity of pre-separation disagreements and how
  the divorce was explained
• How parents get along after divorce
• Custodial parents ability to respond to the
  children
• Extent of financial decline
• Temperament of child
• Other relevant factors

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Three major losses

• Loss of non-custodial parent
• Loss of custodial parent thru decreased quantity
  and quality of involvement
• Loss of pre-divorce standard of living

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Goals of misbehavior

• Attention
• Looking for security and belonging
• Active-constructive attention seeker Passive
  constructive
• Active destructive
• Parents Examine reaction to behavior, and give
  more attention to positive behavior

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• Power
• Child unable to gain acceptance by cooperation,
  so resort to need for power and control
• Active power seekers - argue, temper tantrums,
  break rules...
• Passive power seekers stubborn, lazy,
  forgetful
• Parents examine reason for behavior use firm,
  consistent responses recognize proper behavior

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• Revenge
• Children feel punished, hopeless and powerless to
  do anything about the situation parental
  indifference or rejection
• Active e.g. color walls
• Passive e.g. sulking
• May not be aware of the purposes for their
  misbehavior
• Parents

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• Display of inadequacy
• Severe form of discouragement
• So that less is required of them no risk of
  failure
• Confirm own perceptions of themselves as failures
• Parents Encourage children (not praise) and use
  natural and logical consequences instead of
  reward and punishment

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Forms of counseling

• Child only
• Child and custodial parent
• Child and both parents
• Parent(s) only

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Value of counseling with parents

• Encouragement
• Communication
• Perspective
• Relationship
• Self-confidence

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Goals for therapy

• Improvement of the emotional status of
  individuals
• Improvement of the social and financial support
  of the custodial parent
• Improvement of the relationship between the
  children and the custodial parent
• Improved relationship between ex-spouses

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Parental behavior

• Triangulation
• Address co-parental conflict indirectly thru
  children place them in the middle of fights
• Coercion
• Parents with hard times use force to resolve
  conflicts (yell, threaten, hit)

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Counseling process

• Relationship phase
• Partnership formation
• Mutually acceptable goals identified
• Collaborate, listen, empathize, communicate
  respect

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• Investigation of behavior dynamics
• Assess behavior dynamics strengths and
  weaknesses of parent-child relationship
• Both parents and childs views

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• 3. Insight phase
• How relationship with child affects childs
  behavior
• Explore parents childhood
• Effective parenting skills
• Address co-parental conflicts and competition

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• Reorientation phase
• Examine the relationship
• Focus on childs strengths rather than behavior
  problems
• Encourage parent to develop insight and implement
  alternative behaviors and attitudes
• Be patient
• watch for reactions in the other children also

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Parenting Styles
High Parental Affection
Low Parental Control
High Parental Control
Low Parental Affection
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Effective discipline

• Giving warm but firm discipline
• Communicating effectively
• Using time-out
• Using natural consequences
• Using logical consequences
• Anticipation
• Role of temperament

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Problems

• Adults not able to improve their parenting skills
• Ex-spouses unable to improve their co-parental
  relationship
• Children not responding well to improved
  parenting, or an improved co-parental relationship

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Child rearing problems in shared parenting
families

• Sticking to the rules
• Avoiding play-offs
• Meeting childrens needs for affection and
  attention
• Making time
• Giving structure and organization to childrens
  lives

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Parentification

• Are your children assured that you are the one
  who is in charge of the family?
• Do you put your child in the role of confidant or
  emotional caretaker?
• Do your children regularly see you crying,
  feeling overwhelmed or defeated, or getting too
  upset when things go wrong?

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Parentification (contd.)

• Do you discuss your dating relationships with
  your child?
• Do you use your child as an intermediary between
  you and others?
• Do you describe your child as your best friend or
  lifeline, or do you or others characterize your
  child as perfect?

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Model for counseling with parents (Orton)

• Determine the parents concept of the child
• Obtain an expression of parents feelings towards
  the child
• Help the parent explore parent-child relationship
• Assist parent to understand and empathize with
  child
• Encourage parent to focus on childs strengths
• Explore changes that will improve the
  parent-child relationship