FRIENDS

1
FRIENDS

• Characteristics and complexities of friendships
  across genders

2
Sex Segregation

• Neighborhood kids play together
• At school kids are categorized by age and then by
  sex
• Children are separated into team sports
• Boys and girls rarely play sports together
• Traditions within school set up sexual
  dichotomies that affect choices later on
• Romaine (1999)

3
Age 7

• Boys form extended friendship networks with other
  boys
• Boys learn to follow rules and get along with
  groups of people
• Girls tend to cluster in exclusive same-sex dyads
  (Rawlins, 2000)
• Girls acquire social skills of communicating
  feelings and being nurturing

4
Female Same-Sex Friendships

• Female friends self disclose more
• Generally more intimate than male friendships
• Function on multiple levels
• Talking vs. doing

5

• Fern Johnson (1992) suggests that female-female
  friendship has been an underresearched area
  because of stereotypes that women and too
  competitive, catty, and jealous to have
  meaningful relationships

6
For the Vast Majority of Women

• Women report a higher level of self disclosure in
  and satisfaction with same sex friendships than
  men did
• Catty stereotype not true of most women

7

• 95 percent of single women and 87 percent of
  married women describe their same-sex friendships
  as some of the happiest, most fulfilling parts of
  their lives.

8
Listening

• Women seek out other women for a listening,
  sympathetic ear or for empathy regarding what
  they are going through for feeling
• Men listen to fix it
• Rapport talk-Report talk

9
Male Same Sex Friends

• Task-oriented discussions
• Activity oriented Doing vs. talking

• More numerous but less intimate same-sex
  friendships

10
Male Friendships

• Inman (1996) found that men characterize their
  relationships as steeped in continuity,
  perceived compatibility, and based on
  self-revelation and self-discovery, having fun
  together, intermingled lives, and assumed
  significance.

11

• Men may base their friendships on unspoken
  assumptions rather than actual conversations
  about their relationships

12
Mens Relationships

• Characterized by less giving and receiving of
  supportive communication
• Less empathic understanding
• Less talk that deepens friends self awareness

13
Men and Disclosure

• Some men equate disclosure with vulnerability
• Vulnerability equates to powerlessness for some
  men

14
If You Believe. . .

• Many communication scholars do believe genuine
  intimacy must be achieved and sustained primarily
  through communication--the sharing of ideas,
  secrets, fears and emotions--then you will most
  likely view womens friendships as epitomizing
  intimacy and mens friendships as important and
  satisfying, but superficial

15
An alternate path?

• However, another way to look at it might conclude
  there is an alternate path to intimacy--one
  that includes experiencing, not just talking.
  This means that intimacy may emerge or reveal
  itself in different ways

16
Cross-Sex Friends

• Despite differences, men and women both DO a
  lot TALK a lot
• Traveling in herds/ urban tribes

17
Factors that impede cross-sex friendships

• Sexual undercurrents
• Societal pressure
• Different expectations

18
Sexual Undercurrents

• More men than women view friendships with the
  opposite sex as precursors to romantic encounters
• Sometimes womens suspicion of mens sexual
  motives make them distrustful of mens overtures
  of friendships

19
Societal Pressure

• Society creates static
• Romantic involvement between a woman and a man
  is much more celebrated than cross-sex friendship
  in american culture Rawlins (2001)
• You must be fooling around
• Michael and me
• Oh yeah, their relationship is purely platonic
  (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

20
Interpersonal Communication PatternsEnhancing
factors or not?

• Heterosexual cross-sex friends as romantic
  advisors
• Particularly true for males
• There are different degrees of effectiveness

21
Between Men

• Jocular Sparring
• A guy will se one of his buddies and greet him by
  saying, Man, you look terrible today whered
  you get that shirt, off somebody who died? And
  you hair, geez--put a hat on that.
• At least Im not wearing a shirt with flowers on
  it!
• This can be translated as I like you you are my
  buddy.

22
And Between Women

• Dont try jocular sparring
• Picture a woman greeting a female friend by
  saying, Hey you look like death warmed over
  today--What happened? That outfit looks like
  its been through the wringer and your hair look
  like the cats been chewing on it.
• How would the female react? How would you react?

23

• Obviously intrafriendship teasing or jocular
  sparring just doesnt seem to work the same way
  with women as it does with men
• Picture what would happen if a man greeted his
  female friend by saying, Not getting enough
  sleep lately? Your eyes look as though youve
  been on a four-day drunk. And that outfit--did
  you get dressed in the dark?

24
More often than not

• The women would not take the teasing lightly
• She may act like she is tossing off the comments,
  but in fact the teasing is probably causing her
  discomfort because it introduces an element of
  uncertainty in the relationship.

25
Yes, women have a sense of humor!

• After a friendship has been established
• When women understand her friends communication
  style better
• Even so, they tend not to prefer this kind of
  teasing as a form of indicating closeness or
  affection

26
Is it even possible to be just friends?
How YOU doin?
27
Keys to effective communication in cross-sex
friendships

• Define expectations of relationship
• Put limitations on the extent of romantic advice
• Place limitations on the extent of your romantic
  involvement

• CHANDLER
• I think our friendship is effectively ruined
• MONICA
• Eh, we werent that close anyway

28

The End