Conflict Resolution

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Conflict ResolutionAdvanced Interpersonal
Communications
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KEY POINT

• There is nothing I can teach you to handle the
  other person it is all about handling yourself
  well in difficult situations.

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We are all of two minds about conflict. We say
that conflict is natural, inevitable, necessary
and normal, and the problem is not the existence
of conflict but how to handle it.
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What is your Purpose?

• When you are in conflict with someone on your
  team (or in your family) what is your true
  purpose for dealing with them. What do you
  honestly hope to achieve what outcome are you
  really trying to produce? WORKSHOP

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• Get clear on your purpose Why are you really
  having this conversation?
• Is it to
• prove a point
• assign blame
• hurt the other person
• show them up
• scare or intimidate them
• put them in their place
• Our goals must always be to
• achieve better communications within the
  organization
• foster teamwork
• serve the customer
• help and support others
• teach and mentor
• Solve the problem improve the relationship

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To deal effectively with conflict

• Diagnose and understand the nature of the
  conflict
• Select appropriate course of action, behaviors
  and communication style
• Stay aware of personal feelings /emotions /
  filters

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Why to we have conflict?
Diversity
Interdependence
CONFLICT
What are some of the differences in the FPS?
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The Four Fundamental Issues of Conflict

• Facts what is going on
• Goals what we are trying to achieve
• Methods how we will reach the goals
• Values the ethics of the situation (fairness,
  justice, morals)

Conflict is increased and prolonged when
contending parties are unclear as to the nature
of the issues they are in disagreement over
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Five Phases of Conflict

• Anticipation you know it is coming
• Conscious / Unexpressed word leaks out
• Discussion search for info / start to talk
• Open Dispute arguing / picking sides
• Open Conflict positional / win-lose

The opportunity for successful intervention
differs greatly in each stage
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Approaches to dealing with Conflict
High
Competing
Collaborating
Focus on Results
Compromising
Avoiding
Accommodating
Low
High
Low
Focus on Relationships
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Avoiding

• Low results / Low relationship
• Do not want to deal with conflict
• Buys some short-term time
• Problem might go away?
• Causes frustration / injures reputation
• Wastes time / effort / energy

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Competing

• High results / Low relationship
• Believe in win / lose
• Dont consider implications of actions
• Hard to meet needs in the future
• Incomplete results
• Suggested tactic when safety / survival is at
  stake

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Accommodating

• High relationship / Low results
• Other person first
• Prudent when others have power or outcome is not
  important
• Not recommended when outcome is critical

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Compromising

• Medium results / Medium relationship
• Offer value to get value
• Often better than trying to force your optimum
  outcome
• Recommended if outcomes are not critical
  relationship is
• Impacts negotiation styles / tactics

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Collaborating

• High results / High relationship
• Takes more time / effort
• Must show respect / listen / empathize
• Requires flexibility / creativity
• Outcomes have higher chance of implementation

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Challenging Conversations
PAGE 10

• How to handle difficult, emotional, stressful,
  angry and confrontational conversations

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Three Main Causes

• Arguing about the facts
• Truth / Intentions / Blame
• Ignoring emotions
• Concern about impact
• Personal / professional

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The Truth Assumptions

• I am right
• You are wrong
• I know the facts
• You are mistaken
• I understand
• You are confused

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The Truth Assumptions

• They are the problem!
• Rude
• Arrogant
• Manipulative
• Controlling
• Naïve
• Irrational

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The Truth Assumptions
We live in the same world Rules / beliefs /
attitudes / values / experiences
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The Truth Assumptions

• Reticular Activating System
• Interpretation

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How do we fix the truth assumptions?
PAGE 12

• Admit you are not always right
• Realize they are not always the problem
• Check your information
• Examine your world
• Explore their world

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I know why you did that

• I assume from your actions that I clearly
  understand your intentions

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Big problems with the intentions assumptions

• We really think we understand people
• We assume intentions by impact
• We assume the worst
• Bad intentions bad person
• Bad assumptions lead to selective perception

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Three Key Questions

• What really happened?
• How did it really make me feel?
• What do I guess they intended?

Go from accusingto explaining I - statements
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Scott, when you come in late to our team
meetings, I feel frustrated because it has a
serious impact on keeping the agenda on track.
I feel like you dont want to be in the
meetings, and that confuses me because I know you
are excited about the project. Could you help me
understand what has been keeping you from making
it on time?
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Five Levels of Confrontation
PAGE 17
Demand for Action
Understanding
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Reflection

• Relationship is top priority
• Sincere effort to understand
• Active listening

I can see that you are upset and you feel like
there is a lot of pressure on you. You mentioned
that you are working on eight different projects,
including the annual budget. That is very
challenging. I can understand that you feel
stressed.
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I - statements

• Relationship is important
• Build understanding by sharing
• Non-judgmental

I feel uncomfortable when you throw files down
on my desk and raise your voice.
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Diplomatic Disagreement

• Reach understanding in a gentle way
• Mutual understanding
• Disagree agreeably
• Preserve relationship in conflict

I appreciate your position and realize you feel
it will improve productivity. I believe we
should wait until we get the new computers and
make sure the software is compatible.
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Gentle Confrontation

• Build relationship / change behavior
• Validate / direct
• Non-threatening tentative
• Show concern and understanding

Combination of - Reflection - Validation of
worth / importance - I-statements -
Indication of consequences
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I know you think the Tampa project is a waste of
time. I understand your feelings and appreciate
that it may not seem like a top priority to you.
Tom, you are one of the key people on our team,
however, I feel frustrated when you agree to
deadlines on that project and then turn work in
days late. I am trying to manage all of our
projects well, and this situation is causing me a
lot of stress and extra work. If you continue to
delay the project, it may mean that we dont meet
our quarterly goals and we will all lose our
chance for bonus.
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Firm Confrontation

• Focus on changing behavior
• Maintain / preserve relationship
• Desire a firm resolution
• Clear consequences for noncompliance

Same as Gentle Confrontation plus
This cannot continue. In the future, I would
appreciate it if you would please honor the
deadlines you commit to. It is very important to
all of us.
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It is your fault

• The Blame Game

• Hurts peoples feelings
• Attacks their sense of worth
• Destroys motivation
• Stops risk taking
• Creates fear and anxiety

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The Blame Game
The Key to Success
Take accountability FIRST
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The Blame Game

• Admit that you may have contributed
• Get the facts straight
• Gain agreement on contribution
• Decide what you will do differently
• Ask these questions

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The Blame Game
What has really happened here? Who was
involved? What did I do (or not do) to contribute
to the problem? What did the other person do that
helped cause the problem? How did other people
contribute to the problem? How can we change to
avoid this situation in the future?
What must I do to foster and support that change?
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I dont feel like talking about my feelings

• Emotions ARE what make it challenging
• Sharing turns into slamming
• Cant hide your emotions
• Emotional ear muffs
• Emotions can hurt you
• The gap

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PAGE 23
Your personal power comes from...
Response
GAP
Stimulus
Ideal You
Not the person you are now, but the person you
want to become!
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Something to think about

• Other people cannot
• Anger you you make yourself mad
• Depress you you make yourself sad
• Offend you you take offence
• Hurt your feelings your thoughts about the
  situation create your own bad feelings

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Personal / Professional Impact

• How will this make me look in front of the
  others?
• Am I competent?
• Does this mean I am not good enough to be on the
  project?
• Is this about the client, or is this about me?
• Am I a good person?
• Am I worthy of trust / respect / friendship /
  love?
• How can I let them treat me like this? I must be
  a fool.
• I am too good for this place, am I wasting my
  time here?
• Remember This is for both people

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How to calm the voices in your head

• Stop think remember
• You will fail
• It is not about you
• But you did contribute
• Their reaction is out of your control
• Prepare for the worst
• Take a breather

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• If emotions are part of the issue they should
  be expressed
• You are entitled to have emotions it is only
  human
• Your emotions dont have to be rational to be
  expressed
• The other party is entitled to have emotions
• Focus on the problem not the person
• Use I statements
• Admit that you are uncomfortable
• Express all of your relevant emotions
• Do not judge, attribute, assume or blame
• Make sure both parties have ample opportunity to
  share their feelings and emotions
• Stay calm, relaxed and under control
• Keep reaffirming a desire to work together
• Be sure to acknowledge and validate the other
  persons emotions

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Putting it All Together
PAGE 28

• An eight step process for dealing
  professionally with challenging communications

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Step 1 Think it Through
PAGE 34

• What really happened?
• How do you feel?
• What impact has this had on you?
• Have you made any assumptions?
• What stories have you created?
• What do you think they are thinking?
• What might you have contributed?

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Step 2 What is your purpose?

• Assign blame
• Prove a point
• Put them in their place

• Better communications
• Better Teamwork
• Speed things up
• Accomplish goals

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PAGE 29
Step 3 Set the Stage

• Do not begin by blaming, attacking or accusing
• Describe the problem as a possible
  miscommunication
• Understand that there are two sides to every
  story
• Clearly communicate your goal for the
  conversation
• Invite them to join you as a partner
• Show confidence in a positive outcome

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Step 4 Focus on Them First

• Ask them to tell their story first
• Give them your full attention
• Ask questions listen to the answers
• Uncover feelings
• How might they feel impacted?
• What assumptions have they made?
• Get a complete picture

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Step 5 Help them Understand You

• Share your side of the story
• Use their story to make yours better
• Describe your thoughts and feelings
• Explain your intentions
• Be clear, calm and specific
• Keep it on track
• Ask them to summarize your story

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Step 6 Agree on where you are now
Step 7 Work for a workable solution
Step 8 Next time
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The Power of Questions

• Questions beg an answer
• Questions focus thinking
• Questions guide a discussion
• Questions lead to answers
• Questions convince
• The quality of your questions will determine the
  quality of your communications and negotiations

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Some Dos and Donts

• Ask open-ended questions
• Camouflage accusations as questions
• Ask for more detail
• Use questions to argue
• Use cushions, conditions, lead-ins
• Ask obviously leading questions

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• So that I can understand your point-of-view, will
  you describe for me in as much detail as possible
  how you feel this happened?
• Please tell me how you think I might have
  contributed to this situation?
• How do you see it differently?
• I know it is awkward, but could you share with me
  how you feel about what has been happening?
• What impact have my actions had on you?

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• What information might you have that I dont?
• What are the main things you are concerned about?
• In order for us to reach a solution, what are
  some of the options you are thinking about?
• Do you feel like I have a good understanding of
  what you are concerned about?
• Is there anything else you would like to share
  with me?
• What have I forgotten?

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• How can we make this better?
• What can we do in the future to make sure this
  doesnt happen again?
• Do you have everything you need?
• What else can I do to help you?
• Have I done something to upset you?
• Can we agree to work on this together?

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After you ask the question

• LISTEN
• Paraphrase / summarize
• Acknowledge their feelings
• Make it safe to talk
• Say what you mean
• Dont try to prove youre right
• Dont exaggerate
• Make sure they understand you

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The Persuasion Model

• Ask /Acknowledge
• Explain new view
• Replace
• Support acceptance

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• They say You did this on purpose.
• You say I see that you are very upset, and I can
  understand why. I know it seems like I might
  have done this to make you mad, but that was in
  no way my intention. It was an honest mistake, I
  simply forgot. Would you be willing to talk about
  this to clear it up?

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• They say This is all your fault, you have messed
  up everything again.
• You say I am not happy about this either. I am
  sure I caused some of this, but it seems like
  maybe we both contributed to the problem. Rather
  than focus on whose fault it is, can we just take
  a few minutes and examine how we got here and all
  the factors that contributed to the situation?
  Would that be fair?

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• They say You are completely mistaken. I know
  that this is exactly what happened.
• You say You seem pretty upset, and I can tell
  you feel strongly about this. Id like to ask you
  a few questions to make sure I completely
  understand where you are coming from, then maybe
  I can share my perspective with you. Would that
  be alright?

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A lot of information

• Focus on only a few key ideas
• Try only one or two new behaviors
• Remember your purpose
• You cannot control anyone else
• Use the gap
• Ask questions
• Listen listen - listen
• Think carefully about every word you say

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THANK YOU
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